Circa 2005

Random Thought: 02.29.12

I feel sad. I don't know why but I do. Here I am, idly tapping on the keyboards. I still can't use my left hand properly. The damn cut still hurts, so I still have to rely heavily on my right hand.

I really do not know what to say. I just want to write and let my thoughts run. It does not matter where they end. I have been feeling sad since my parents decided to seek treatment for Daddy in Manila. He has been sick for four months now and the doctors here do not know what to do with him.

We have been to three doctors and none of them have been able to provide him with the right treatment plan. It is depressing. We have decided that the best course of action is to just throw the third finger at the doctors here and just go to Manila. I cannot accompany them however. My mother actually wants me to go with Daddy, but he wants her to go with him.

I wish he would just get better. It is so sad to see him like this, sick all the time. And it's his birthday today. :(

On First Loves

For a couple of days now, E and I have been talking about first loves.  This was prompted by my own talk with Ms. Francisco.  E knows who his first love is.  I, however, have just realized who mine is while writing this. (Yes, Tinay, you read that right and after you read this, you probably will arrive at an incorrect the right conclusion. :) )

I have been with several people and at one time or another, I felt strongly for them.  Every relationship was emotionally potent.  Curiously, however, it is that first love that has the greatest effect.  Oh, I wasn't an emotional virgin.  I had my own infatuations and I pined over boys with cute dimples and awesome dance moves before I even met my first love.  But I guess, before that first love, true romance - in its real essence - has never touched me.  Ironically, for something that can rock my world, I did not truly expect it.  Looking back, it was a happy experience tinged with elements of sadness and yes, even grief.

I am not speaking of your first crush, first kiss or the guy or girl you lost your virginity to.  I am speaking about your first true love.  Mine was the first person I truly fell madly in love with, the person I thought I cannot live without.  He wasn't my childhood sweetheart (although let us not discredit childhood sweethearts or underestimate the mark they leave behind); I envy E for having one.  His first love was his childhood sweetheart.

First love is the first time we deal with all sorts of emotion - angst, adoration, fascination, lust, anxiety, sadness that know no end.  It's a roller coaster ride.  It's the first person you shared deep connection with both on an emotional and physical level.  You cannot live without them.  You feel alive. It's consuming.  It's fantastic.  And then suddenly, it ends.  Just like that. The best thing that ever happened to you - is gone.

No, this does not happen to everyone.  The scenario may vary, but amazingly enough the emotions are the same.  We never really truly forget.  Unfortunately, for some, they end up pining for the same person.  They find themselves looking for the same thing that they have lost.  They want to recapture the same feelings, the same physical attraction.  It happened to me too.  Now, I know why.

In your life, you meet people.  Some you never really think about again or even remember.  Some you wonder what ever happened to them.  There are some that you wonder if they ever think of you or remember you.  There are some you wish you never think about again - but you do.

However, like everything that has been lost, you need to let go.  We don't really forget our first love, but we should never allow its legacy to dictate the rest of our lives.