My fingers are numb. I'm struggling to type these words, but something is driving me to write - so, I'm writing. I can barely feel my fingers as they bend and tap on the keyboard. There is no strength on my left hand. I guess this just reflects how I have been feeling lately.
I feel like I am in a roller coaster that just wouldn't stop no matter how much I scream. It's like that time I was in an actual coaster holding Paige, screaming and screaming for the damn thing to stop, scared to death. Yes, I am in an emotional roller coaster.
My only consolation is that I am no longer facing crossroads. I am glad that I have finally made a decision. Yes, it will take three years or so, but at least now I know exactly where I am going. I should have had this thing figured out when I was 22 years old. I thought I already did, but life took me on an unpredictable route - an exciting one but not necessarily something I want. So, basically, I'm back on the effing drawing board - scratching, scratching, scratching.
I have lost people along the way and I have come to terms with that along with the fact that I have come to terms with losing some of my dreams. After all, I can always build new ones and I can always build new relationships and friendships. Still, when I am silent - so very, very silent - I can hear my soul sighing. It is not easy to give up on people - or dreams. I have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes I tend to forget that I don't necessarily have to have everything just to know that I am blessed - because seriously, I am. Some people have it worst, so I figured I should just shut my trap and stop complaining for god's sake!
Still, I have been depressed lately. In truth, I cannot pinpoint exactly what I am depressed about. I guess I am depressed about turning 30 this year. I am depressed about that fact and what it means when I look back. It's not that bad, I guess - some would say. It's not. But it's not certainly that wonderful either.
I sometimes console myself with the thought that everyone has something missing in their lives. It's just that fair that I won't have everything. After all, I have what most people are probably looking for - love. It's a damn cliche, but hey, guess what, it's true.
I find myself worrying a lot about my friends. Erbe thinks I shouldn't worry too much. I do. I worry about Tinay. It doesn't help that she wrote me that email which drove me to a matchmaking frenzy. I worry about Settie. I worry about Bessie. I worry about Lynette and Tin. Hell, I even worry about the fact that Cheryl doesn't take her prenatal vitamins. I am a worry wart and it's not good. I can't do anything about these things after all. I wish I can though. I wish I can give the people I love whatever they want with just a snap of my fingers.
My fingers are still numb. I am struggling to write, so I guess I'd better end this. I don't want my fingers falling off.
I feel like I am in a roller coaster that just wouldn't stop no matter how much I scream. It's like that time I was in an actual coaster holding Paige, screaming and screaming for the damn thing to stop, scared to death. Yes, I am in an emotional roller coaster.
My only consolation is that I am no longer facing crossroads. I am glad that I have finally made a decision. Yes, it will take three years or so, but at least now I know exactly where I am going. I should have had this thing figured out when I was 22 years old. I thought I already did, but life took me on an unpredictable route - an exciting one but not necessarily something I want. So, basically, I'm back on the effing drawing board - scratching, scratching, scratching.
I have lost people along the way and I have come to terms with that along with the fact that I have come to terms with losing some of my dreams. After all, I can always build new ones and I can always build new relationships and friendships. Still, when I am silent - so very, very silent - I can hear my soul sighing. It is not easy to give up on people - or dreams. I have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes I tend to forget that I don't necessarily have to have everything just to know that I am blessed - because seriously, I am. Some people have it worst, so I figured I should just shut my trap and stop complaining for god's sake!
Still, I have been depressed lately. In truth, I cannot pinpoint exactly what I am depressed about. I guess I am depressed about turning 30 this year. I am depressed about that fact and what it means when I look back. It's not that bad, I guess - some would say. It's not. But it's not certainly that wonderful either.
I sometimes console myself with the thought that everyone has something missing in their lives. It's just that fair that I won't have everything. After all, I have what most people are probably looking for - love. It's a damn cliche, but hey, guess what, it's true.
I find myself worrying a lot about my friends. Erbe thinks I shouldn't worry too much. I do. I worry about Tinay. It doesn't help that she wrote me that email which drove me to a matchmaking frenzy. I worry about Settie. I worry about Bessie. I worry about Lynette and Tin. Hell, I even worry about the fact that Cheryl doesn't take her prenatal vitamins. I am a worry wart and it's not good. I can't do anything about these things after all. I wish I can though. I wish I can give the people I love whatever they want with just a snap of my fingers.
My fingers are still numb. I am struggling to write, so I guess I'd better end this. I don't want my fingers falling off.
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