I am

excited.

nervous.

agitated.

confused.

regretful.

pissed.

frustrated.

pressured.

sad.

hopeful.

prayerful.

determined.

resigned.

fucked up.

Right now, rioting emotions are pulling me from all sides. My heart feels like it’s about to explode.  I know why. Of course, I know why. It’s just too much, so I needed to clear my mind. Thus, I blog.

How have you been?

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Some BS About My Hair

I don't know what's with me and long hair... I can't abide the darn thing for long. I usually ignore my hair, have it in a bun on top of my head until I eventually notice it has grown considerably long - and then I start itching to get it cut. The itch gets so intense that the only relief is to hack everything off - and no, I don't just cut a little inch here and there. I really get it hacked.  Yesterday, it was up to my back until I gave in to the itch and voila!

Unlike other people who regret cutting their hair, I never regret cutting mine. I feel so good every time I do it. It's like I get rid of all my emotional garbage whenever I do this. In a way, I am a cutter - fortunately for me, I don't bleed when I cut. :)

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I Hate Cartoons...Now!

I’ve recently downloaded Windows Live Writer and I’ve rediscovered my love for blogging. I like the software. I do not have to log onto blogger just to write a blog post. I can just write it from here. I like that.

We’ve just finished watching Little Mermaid Part 1, 2 and 3. God, if I see that blasted half-fish-half-spoiled imbecile again, I’d bloody well scream. Riley likes her and Paige adores her, and they love to watch her over and over again. I used to love the movie until I was forced to watch it a million times and one.  I used to love Ariel. In fact, I loved the movie so much I had memorized the lines. Now, I hate it. I hate it so much. The only way that I could tolerate watching it over and over again is to sing the songs along with every blasted singing fish, crustacean and octopus. This is kind of ironic, I know.

I used to love cartoons. Cartoon Network was one of my favorite channels back in College…yes, college. I’d flip through channels, ignore BBC and CNN and spend a couple of hours on Cartoon Network before I jump to MTV. My best friend loves cartoon as well – and she loved Ariel. Every time, she’d be asked to sing a song during our initiation week, she’d belt out her Little Mermaid song. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard her sing that song over the course of 7 days. But boy, does she love Ariel and she loves cartoon – and that’s one thing we had in common.

A friend used to ridicule us for liking cartoons. He was..well, a self-professed hater of anything asinine, childish and immature like cartoons and country music. I don’t know why he hated country music. He still does. He hates rain too and everything else that I liked. No wonder…

But well, anyway, I’ve recently discovered that I’ve come to hate cartoons. No, hate is a strong word. I don’t hate it. I just don’t enjoy it as much as I used to. It’s probably because I am now forced to watch the same animated films over and over again.  In fact, I predict, I’d probably see Croods six hundred thousand times the minute I download it or buy a DVD for Paige.

I never imagined this day would come. I’ve always thought I’d loved cartoons until I die. I’m probably dead and I just don’t know it. Dead from watching too much Despicable Me and Toy Story.

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OPEN LETTER

I miss you. Sonofabitch. I wish I didn't. I don't like it. No, I definitely do not. I'd rather slit my throat.

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2013

I really should not complain. Everyone is dealing with their own crap. It's just fair that I have my own share, but still... I don't know what to think. I'm tired of planning. Oh, to hell with everything. I'm lying. I still have plans. They just never pan out though. I'm fvckin' tired. What a freakin' pessimist I'm turning out to be.

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Bullshit and Blessings

Nice title, huh?

I am having a good morning as opposed to the kind of morning I had yesterday. Yesterday was crappy.  I guess my good morning is partly because of the rain. I love the rain and I think I have blogged about how much I love the rain that I should just create a category for it or change my blog title to "Have I Told You How Much I Love the Rain Because I Love the Rain. Oh Yes, I Do! Yes, I Do! So, Have I Told You How Much I Love the Rain?"  Yes, that long.

Well, anyway, my good mood is partly because of the rain and my salary raise. :)

Well, that's basically it.  That covers the "Blessings" part in the title of this post.  Now, let's go to the Bullshit part.

You see, I have this little issue that I can't seem to recover from.  You know how we talk about people behind their backs? I mean, you know, we gossip about them. C'mon, don't tell me you haven't done this?! Who are you freaking Mother Teresa?! The Pope?!

Anyway, we've all done this. We do this to family, to friends, to colleagues, to strangers.  We do this with or without malice.  We stab them behind their backs or we deluge them with praises. It doesn't matter.  We, by nature, talk about other people.  And accordingly, people talk about us.  That's just how it is. It's the brutal nature of society.  I guess, we've all accepted that.  What is hard to deal with, however, is learning what people think of us or what they say about us when our backs are turned.  It is even harder when these are the people we consider our friends, best friends even.

Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a text message she was supposed to send to someone else.  The message was about me.  She was not planning to assassinate me.  She was not assailing my character to little pieces.  In fact, there was some truth to what she was saying, but it was how she said it that hurt me - a lot. It was the words she chose to use.  It came as a shock.  It reeked of cowardice.  I realized I am not as mad as much as I am hurt.  She could have just told me right?

The thing is I don't mince words. I tell people what I think when I feel I have to. In a way, I think it's my way of making up for saying things behind their back (because yes, I do that, sue me.) Because of this, I feel that people should be honest about their feelings too. Anyway, in this case, she sent the bomb and it went off. Did she apologize?  Yes, she did.  She said that she was "sowee."

So, there goes the bullshit. 

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Hey.

I LOVE YOU.

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Adieu

This blog has its good run.  I enjoyed writing for this blog, but I feel that I should start a new one.  Blogging is my emotional outlet.  I take out my garbage here.  Unfortunately, it has come to a point where I can no longer write to my heart's content because I am considering my readers' feelings - and I don't want to consider anybody's feelings but my own when I am writing.  I cannot control who reads my blog and unfortunately, I do not like some of my readers - yes, that includes you.

So, I am going to stop writing for this blog and continuing on with another one.  Since you are reading this right now, you probably would like to know my new blog's URL address - OR not. Well, if you do, send me an email and I will send my blog address to you, that is if I like you.  If I don't, I'll probably just send you an article entitled 10 Good Reasons Why I Think You Should Jump Off a Cliff. Well, it was great writing for you - well, some of you. I bid you adieu. :)

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My Latest Embarrassing Story

Just before going home yesterday afternoon, I decided to drop by Jollibee to get something for Paige and the Husband.  After giving my order, I began planning Paige's birthday plans in my head.  I was waiting for my order.  It was so weird. I just went blank and I just stood there.  I saw the cashier preparing my order.  I saw her talking to me.  I saw her mouth was moving, but her words weren't registering at all. I was busy budgeting in my head.

Once again, I saw her gesturing at my order placed in front of me, but I just glanced at the food and I continued thinking. I didn't realize everybody was waiting for me and looking at me strangely.  I stood there for what felt like a whole minute.


Finally, I snapped back to reality and I realized what I was doing - and this was only after the customer behind me finally gathered the guts to brave the crazy woman stupidly standing in front of the cashier staring at the menu, not saying anything. Oh, in my head, I was wondering where I can possibly find helium so I can blow up balloons the night before Paige's birthday so she'd wake up with balloons in the ceiling.

Anyway, I finally looked at the cashier - really looked at her - and then I asked, "Is this my order?" She nodded with a strange look on her face. I was so embarrassed. Red-faced, I scurried outside. Talk about embarrassing. Why do I do these things? Geeze.

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Dear Lord

Please don't let me be this person. I don't want to be like this person... This is just so sad. I had to live with a ghost for a decade. I can't do two or more! That's just sad. Really sad...

(image from Postsecret.com)

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Running Thoughts Again

I have been tapping...tapping.. because I feel so much that I want to explode. I have been tapping on these keys and I'd immediately find myself erasing what I have written.  I wanted to write about Life and how cruel it can be.  Life is definitely what happens when you are planning something else.

Curiously, I can't seem to find the right words. I can't seem to catch my thoughts. They're everywhere.

I feel sad. sad, yes, primarily.

I feel melancholic.  I think that word is more accurate.

You know what I wish?  That I'd get a break.  That I can finally get rid of things that I should get rid of.  I just want one day - just one day that I wouldn't think..................................

Is that too much to ask?

I'm blabbering now. Damn it.

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To Whom It May Concern

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A Minute of Self-Pity

Life sucks. It really does - OR at least it has for me for the last month. I'm depressed, really really depressed. I try to cheer myself up sometimes, but I have to admit, I am really, really depressed now. I don't feel well as well. Life sucks.

Right now, I wish -

I have more time for myself. I am not asking for too much. I just need three days - three days of ME time.

I don't have to worry about anything or anyone. I am tired of worrying.

I can rely on someone to be strong for me when I have none left because I feel like I'm emotionally spent up. I'm just so fucking tired really.

I need sleep. I want to sleep without having to wake up every couple of hours because Riley is crying or her pacifier is missing.

I need these things. I really do.

God, I'm depressed.

I'm sorry my blog is not so much fun to read these days.

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Effed Up

I want to cry.
I want to cry so hard that angels would take pity on me and harangued God with all my solicitations.
I want to cry so hard that the Earth would weep with me.
This is long overdue
But despite the tears that I have shed, I have not shed enough to cleanse my heart out of all its anger...bitterness...and fear.
I want to cry that tears would drown me and heal me.
That I'd find comfort from knowing that I can feel.
I don't know what I fear most - the fact that I need to cry or the fact that I can't seem to cry.
Emotions are all bottled up, so screwed up tight.
It's all fucked up really.

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How I Removed XP Anti-Spyware

So, I opened my email and I saw this unassuming message from DHL Express (allegedly, of course).  Since I am waiting for something from my sister, my guard was down and I clicked on the email.  It didn't contain any other information but an attachment.  I usually do not fall for this kind of nasty fraud, but I thought, "What if Kris sent the package?" So, I clicked and then the attachment opened and then I run the file.  Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

It was only after I clicked run that I saw the extension. EXE. You can just imagine the colourful language that came out of my mouth.  Avast popped up with a warning, but it was too late. Boxes started popping and popping and popping.

A box that looks like a legit Windows box came up and started scanning and then it listed down viruses and malware and trojans and all the effed-up stuffs that will drive you to a panicked state. It claimed to be XP Anti-Spyware and then it said to buy the registration key. I have never bought anything online. I'm one of those miserable pirates.

Anyway, I grabbed Erbe's unit (since the virus hijacked all my browsers) and looked for registration key. It was only then that I found out that the "thing" asking for a registration key, presenting itself as a protection software is actually the malware itself. crap.

And then I started looking for ways to remove the damn thing. I had to run the system in safe mode, download malwarebytes  to Erbe's unit, copied the installation file to a USB and run it in my unit.  I ran malwarebytes and it was able to detect 3 infections. 3! just 3!

I ran the system in normal mode and I was frustrated to see the nasty pop ups. This went on for a couple of hours, with me trying to look for ways to remove the malware.  I tried installing spybot, but it was hijacked too.

I tried to manually look for the malware to remove it but I can't find it from the registry entries. I read from a forum the same thing happening to someone - and she was told to try system restore.  Anyway, I finally threw in the towel and run system restore. voila! the system restored and then I installed superantispyware, update it and run it. It didn't find any infections. I reinstalled malwarebytes, update and run it. It didn't find anything. I run ccleaner and cleaned the registry. Now, everything is all up and running. I wonder if I have really cleaned the system.

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Signs of Old Age

I am getting old.  Here are the reasons why I think so:

• I have discovered a liking for vegetables.  in fact,  I love greens, except for okra of course, I can never like that blasted vegetable. 
• I have discovered that loud music gives me headache.
• I find myself glaring at teenagers holding hands.
• I look forward to watching the news. In fact, I wait for it and enjoy it.  I don't like it when I miss it.

I will have to think of more signs, but that's just it for now. I'm trying out Windows Live Writer.

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Stinkhole

For months now, mamu has been complaining about my cousins' room - or the state of it. We have three cousins staying with us - all of them college students. Anyway, Mamu has called it a pig sty. I was not completely convinced (because Mommy tends to exaggerate - she likes doing so because she likes spicing up her stories) until I saw the room for myself.

I do not really enter other people's room, so I have not seen the state of this room despite Mamu's complaints. Until the other day.

Paige wore her favorite gown that day. She knows that I'd get mad, so she tried to hide from me. She entered my cousins' room and hid under the bed. I had no choice but to look for her there - in effect, I was able to enter the controversial lair.

And I realized my mother was not exaggerating at all. Take a look for yourself -

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A Weird Thought on Vampires

Can menstrual blood drive vampires into a feeding frenzy? For instance, if you throw a bloody napkin at them, will that drive them to think, "Ah, food!"

It's blood, isn't it? Granted it's from the uterus, but still... it's blood! I wonder if Edward Cullen likes menstrual blood. Oh yeah, I forgot.. he's vegetarian. That friggin' glittering vampire doesn't eat people.

If you'd squeeze 100 bloody napkins and offer the extracted blood to a vampire, will he drink it?

Okay, this is not just a weird thought - it's a disgusting one. I'll end this now.

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Wasp Bite

I got bitten by a wasp last Tuesday night.
It has been almost four days and the bite still itches like crazy.
Erbe killed the blasted thing though. Serves the little bugger right. I don't know why I am blogging this though. The bite just bugs (pun intended) the hell out of me and it deserves a post.

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Interesting

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