To Be Grateful

Life has been a bitch, a real bitch. And I thought of posting my complaints here. I thought I'd let out all my frustrations, anger and worries here. But I guess, I'd rather not. I gave myself a good cry already. I haven't been really crying. Oh, I gave in a couple of times, but I haven't really allowed myself a good cry, a healing one.

Life is such a bitch sometimes. Have I said that already? I've already written about Paige coming down with a viral infection in her brain. She's lucky she escaped unscathed. Some people are not lucky. Many end up with brain damage. Many died from this debilitating illness. Paige is a survivor.

Anyway, two weeks after Paige was discharged from the hospital, my mother had a heart attack. It was an eye opener for me. I thought my mother would live forever - or at least for another 40 years. It never occurred to me that she could have a heart attack or that she has heart problems for that matter. (The same day we rushed Mommy to the hospital, Riley was vomiting her guts out. Fortunately, this resolved the next day.)

Mommy's heart attack, however, had a huge impact on my future plans. Seeing her and my father made me realize how they'd be like if I wasn't around. It was so sad. My father has diabetes and heart ailment as well. This made me rethink all my plans.

Anyway, I thought I'd complain about how life sucks, but I won't. After all, I had a good cry earlier. After weeks of refusing to buckle up. I finally did - and it was all because Riley wouldn't stay still long enough for me to dress her up. I just gave her to Erbe and I started bawling. I allowed myself to give in to self-pity for no longer than a minute and then I wiped my tears.

Now, I refuse to complain. I would like, however, to list all the things I'm grateful for.

I am truly grateful for -

• The fact that my daughter survived the disease without permanent physical or mental damage. I refuse to dwell on the fact that she had the disease, but on the fact that she survived it.
• Paige's laughter. For three weeks, smiles did not come to her naturally. She was in pain and she just kept on sleeping. I'm really happy, she's healthy enough to drive me nuts with her naughtiness because while she was sick, I'd give anything to see her jumping, climbing, laughing and yes, shouting.
• Hospitals that are near. We were able to bring Mommy to MSH just on time. The doctor said the heart attack could have led to stroke. Fortunately, the risk was averted.
• Mommy. Because I've been given more years with her. I really don't want to go away now. I can't just leave her and come back when she's sick or worse.
• My husband, my loving and supportive husband who is a saint. He's my sounding board. He's been through the whole nightmare with me.
• Families. I do not want to dwell on relatives who suck. I just want to be grateful for their willingness to help regardless of what they feel or think about helping us.
• My sister. I must have been blessed with the best sister in the whole world. Of course, Erbe will say the same thing about his own sister to whom I'm also really grateful.
• Erbe's family. They are angels. Their love for my husband is limitless.
• A chance to be with my family. To be given an opportunity to show them how much I love them.
• God and faith because I have them. I don't think I can survive this if I don't have that unwavering faith that God will fix everything for me. I just need to have faith. If I don't have that, I don't know where or to whom I'd cling on to.