Words That Describe Me

Furious. Enraged. Confused. Angry. Mad. Depressed. Sad.

Funny thing. I don’t know why.

I just dumped Riley outside – literally dumped her. She was making me so mad. It was either that or I hit her. So, I picked her up and then just gave her to her father.

My patience is in shreds. I feel like a volcano that’s about to erupt. I can’t blame it on hormones – or maybe I can. I don’t know. My sister once told me that I should consider estrogen therapy. It might help with my mood swings and volatile temperament. I thought estrogen therapy is for old biddies who are going through menopause. I haven’t asked my OB about it. I’ve always said I will visit my OB, but I haven’t. Maybe I should go tomorrow. I really should.

E understands what I am going through. I am just so mad about things… I really can’t talk about it here. I discovered that it’s easier to talk to strangers but it’s not easy to divulge some things to people who know me.

I have decisions that I have to make. I feel powerless. I want something but I can’t have it right now. I have responsibilities – and I am so tired of that word - “responsibility”.  The word is soul sucking. It’s the same word that drags you into this vicious cycle, endless monotonous cycle.

I want to eat everything in sight. I’ve long accepted that I am an emotional eater. And being aware of that, I have to stop myself from turning to food to feel better. This depresses me even more.

Along with the depression is this immeasurable resentment and anger.  It is there boiling..boiling..boiling. Sometimes, I explode. Just like a while ago when I couldn’t take Riley’s crying anymore.  It takes forever to get her to sleep.  I realized I won’t do it anymore. It’s up to E to do that from now on. I won’t do it anymore. I can’t.

I feel a little better. Writing my thoughts down always help. I still feel sad though. I’ve been feeling like this for the past three days. Only Korean soaps help. Oh, well. maybe estrogen shots would help as well. I really should get those shots.