Let me start by saying I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the other day. You have been putting up such a good front that I tend to forget the truth sometimes. I thought of forwarding another quotation, something that could provide you a little comfort, but I thought, what the hell, I should just write you a letter, something that you can read when you need a little love…a little comfort.
Love sucks. Let just get that out of the way because right now, that’s the truth. Raw love can blindside you and it’s not so easy to turn off. The raw heartache can be debilitating. I know that. This is why you continue to amaze me. You haven’t resorted to eating Pringles and crying your way through the Notebook and other sappy movies. And except for those “5-second heartache” you probably experience throughout the day, you’ve managed to put on a huge smile and live life and damn anyone who thinks you’re miserable. If you haven’t been painfully honest with me, you could have fooled me as well.
You probably hate the question, “Are you okay?” It forces you to acknowledge the truth to yourself and lie through your teeth. I want you to know, you won’t have to lie to me. I know you’re not okay – and it’s okay. I don’t really care that you think your tears are irrational and that your pain nonsensical. They’re valid. They’re yours. They matter.
I know how much it hurts. I remember how it’s like to get your heart broken. I remember how rejection feels like. I remember how it’s like to feel like you’ve lost your heart..like it had been ripped away by the same person who wanted no part of it. I understand, so I wouldn’t care if it takes you forever to find your peace. I don’t care if you are sad or lost. I will stay up and talk to you until 4 AM…Hell, I’ll stay up with you the whole night if you want me to! The thing is, I’m here for you. No matter what. Please don’t ever think otherwise.
For now, I will tell you he doesn’t deserve you – because he truly doesn’t. He’s an idiot for not seeing you. I will tell you everything will be okay. A year from now, two, three…we will laugh about this. And you will forget. You will forget everything that is causing you so much pain now. Or maybe you won’t. It wouldn’t matter because you would love again and you would be incredibly happy. I know that because in my heart I know you deserve that. You deserve love and happiness. You’ll have those two beautiful girls. Someday, you will.
I love you. I’m sorry you’re in pain. You’ll find peace in time. The hurt would stop eventually. So, take your time. It’s okay.
I’ve lost my ability to think fast…
In fact, I’ve lost my ability to think at all. I see words and they come rushing to me, like an impending train, perfectly designed to crash. One word blurs against another and I find myself struggling to understand the excruciating meaning of every sentence, every paragraph.
I’m losing control and I hate it.
I am tethering, struggling to maintain balance. It seems like I am consumed with trying to exact control and trying to find my ground.
It’s my last day of work tomorrow. I hate the idea of not earning a single cent. I don’t actually know how many buckets of tears I’ve cried over these seemingly simple decisions. To do or not to do. I am so over my head.
I feel like I’ve lost molecules of my brain. When did I lose faith in my self? I am scared and I am drowning myself in meaningless pursuits and momentary emotions.
I am trying to make sense of things. It seems like I am dealing with a deluge of questions and moral dilemma. I knew of black and white, and I always knew there were shades of grey there somewhere. What I didn’t realize is that gray can be considerably tricky. Gray can fuck with your head. But Christ, gray feels good. Gray makes you forget. Gray stares at ennui in the eye and shoots it to kingdom come. But Gray will be the death of me.
Puzzles. Yes, I know. I am talking in riddles. I mean to. How can I make you understand when I don’t even understand myself? Something has taken root in me, but I have yet to identify it. I have not yet named it. It has not revealed itself to me. However, I know I need to wait for it to stay still and end it. I can’t let it live. I can’t let it grow. It’s not meant to take deeper root. It will drive me insane. I am not ready to lose to it.
There are questions I need to answer. Supposedly. But I think I’d rather not. There is no point unearthing what needs to lie still.