Going Through Hell

I'm so pissed at everything right now. 


I'm so stressed out and with so many things stressing me out - I don't know what's causing the crying bouts. God, my eyes are so freaking clean from all the crying I've been doing.

I feel -
Angry.
Seriously pissed.
Irritated.
Resigned.
Worried.
Scared.
Angry.
Mostly angry.
Afraid.
Tired.
Exhausted.
Worn out.
Confused.
Afraid.
Consumed.
Sad.
Depressed.

I'm not okay. I hate going through this hell.

I Just Want to Rant

Jesus H. Christ! My stress levels have reached their all time high. I just want to scream and scream and never stop screaming.


This is hell. This is pure unadulterated fucking hell. I can't wait for all this to be over but then the waiting starts... I don't what's worse - this or that.

At least I'll have work and money while waiting. The absence of income and this feeling of financial impotence are stressing me out much more than the nonstop studying. I feel like I'm about to explode. Just bloody explode. God. 

I am just so fucking tired of this.

Just Let Go

At some point, you have to let go. You have to stop.

These words have become my mantra. Ironically, I can’t seem to just let go.  It’s emotionally exhausting and mentally draining. I really should just let go.  This thing is weighing me down. It has taken over my conscious thoughts. Why can’t I just let this go?

It’s taking too much. It’s like this greedy insatiable monster that devours happiness and peace of mind. And I feed it incessantly.

I have to just let go. It’s easy.

I just need to start.

And for the nth time, that is what I am going to do.

I Need to Blog Coz Life Sucks

Erbe found him lying on the floor because he was so weak, he collapsed on the floor. He didnt have the strength to get up or cry for help. 


I've been wondering why I feel so sad. I've gotten so used to worrying that it has become a part of me. And then it hit me, I started hoping he'd get better when I saw him up and about the last few days. I really thought he'd get better and then the fever appeared again. And then Erbe saw him lying there this morning. And here I am a mess again. I can't even study. I hate this.

We've been told to just accept the inevitable. Fuck that. 

Someone told me to shower him with I love you's. I dont want to do that. It's like I'm conceding and letting go. Fuck that.

April 4

So, how am I doing?


I'm trying to finish one subject and I have 5 days to finish hundreds of pages. 

Meanwhile, I thought I'd help my cause by deep conditioning my hair. That's how I roll these days.

I'm in serious deep shit, yeah?



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