A Fork in the Road

I can't sleep - and damn it, I feel like I can't breathe. I am trying to hold back tears and I am failing miserably.

I am not good at this. I hate this. Ironically, I should be very good at this. I have had 16 years of practice, but this is not easy for me.

I should be sleeping. I have just put Riley to bed for the nth time. I am tired and my stomach hurts. But I can't sleep. It's actually quite pathetic.

But after 5 years of having him near me - and being with him 24/7, it sucks not to have him around at all times.

Sacrifices, they say, are a part of marriage. I should know. I grew up without my mother. Still, this is hard.

I feel I can't breathe. He's not even that far. But once or twice a week is a huge change from everyday 24/7. It's hard not to have him around to tell things to when something amuses me, enrages me, hurts me, fascinates me...

You see, after five years of marriage, my husband is not only the love of my life, he is also my very best friend.

Crying helps, I think. It is healing. At least, I don't have my emotions bottled up inside me anymore. That is another fuck up thing though - he's the only who can comfort me when I am depressed or sad. And I don't have that source of comfort with me right now.

I have to be strong though because I always have to be the stronger one. What makes me even sadder though is the fact that Paige is going to miss him badly. Oh, well. At least I got to let that all out.

Forgive me. I shouldn't be blogging this, but I need to.

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Morbid Threats

Paige is a sassy, silly, funny little girl, but she can be a pain in the ass too. My father calls her "Paige the Menace".

I toyed with the idea of downloading Dennis the Menace for her, but I changed my mind - she might end up burning the whole neighborhood.

I once blogged about the possibility of her having ADHD. Sussette assured me though that she did not see any reason why I should think Paige has it. Although my worry has abated, I still find myself wondering if I should get Paige checked for the condition.

Anyway, I think Paige's problem is not ADHD - it's actually the utter and complete lack of discipline. No, scratch that, we I discipline her, but it's hard after years of being spoiled by her grandmother.

Anyway, I digress. Yesterday evening, my mother was watching TV while Paige stood in front of the mirror busily removing her boogers. :)

After a few minutes, she casually went to my mother and wiped her fingers on my mother's cheek. And she started laughing.

Busily watching her soap operas, my mother didn't know that she had boogers on her cheeks until I pointed them out to her.

Naturally, Mamu got mad and she started lecturing Paige. "Bad yan baby! Sabi ko baga saimo, maaanggot ang angel mo. Mauugma ang devil. Sige ka kukuanun ka kang devil, ano Tere?"

Turning to me, she said, "Ne, yan na ngunian ang patakot ko saiya."

She once again addressed Paige, "Tapos magagadan ka, ano Tere?" Magagadan? I thought. She continued, "Tapos ilulubong ka... tapos maruluwas ang mga bulate sa dungo mo... "

Bulate sa dungo? I thought.

"...maruluwas pati halas sa mata mo, ano Tere?"

Aghast, I just stood there silent. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Then she asked again, "Ano, Tere?"

I gave out a big sigh and then promptly turned away, muttering, "Morbidun man po Mommy pigpaparasabi mo." I could hear my mother's laughter while I walked away.

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