On Turning 30

 

I was 17 years old the first time I was ever on a train. I had a small sketchpad and a Mongol #2. And while my father and the rest of the passengers sleep, I drew them. I drew and I drew the whole night through.  I couldn't sleep.  Trains, unlike buses, do not turn off the lights.  Well, that is as far as I remember.

I have a certain affinity with trains. I love hearing their whistles. And I'd wonder, "Who is on it?"  I'd find myself wondering, "Where are they going?"

I wish I knew where I was supposed to go when I was 17 years old.  Back then, I knew I loved two things - writing and arts. I love reading books and I love writing them. I wanted to be a writer or an artist - that as much I knew back then. I wanted to take up Fine Arts or Journalism, but these are not "practical" courses - as I was told. So, I kept silent and did what I was told.

I didn't have the guts to go for what I wanted. I never really had that passion or that drive. That has always been my problem. I've always been contented with mediocrity. On top of that, my own fears have always defeated me. They swallow me whole until I could hear nothing else but the rapid beating of my heart. Until, I could taste nothing but the acrid flavor of fear in my mouth.

I wish I knew that I was going to be a writer anyway and "practicality" be damned. But these are not the kinds of things you think of when you're 17. After all, you feel like the world is yours to conquer.

It's different when the Big 3-0 is looming. You start to question and you start to look back. You give out huge sighs for things that you have not accomplished and you clutch on the things that you should be grateful for.

When you turn 30, you feel like the world has moved on a rapid pace while you have been left behind, gasping for air. On the other hand, you feel like you know better NOW. You now know what you want and where you're going. If you still don't, you are probably a lost cause.

When you're 30, you feel like you have outgrown your childish expectations. You have the insight of an adult, but still none of the disillusionment. You still have 10 years to accomplish what you now know you want - 10 years before once again you hit the big number.

I wish I knew what I wanted when I was 17, but I'm happy I know what I really want now. And oh yeah, I finally have the courage to go for what I want.