A Fork in the Road

I can't sleep - and damn it, I feel like I can't breathe. I am trying to hold back tears and I am failing miserably.

I am not good at this. I hate this. Ironically, I should be very good at this. I have had 16 years of practice, but this is not easy for me.

I should be sleeping. I have just put Riley to bed for the nth time. I am tired and my stomach hurts. But I can't sleep. It's actually quite pathetic.

But after 5 years of having him near me - and being with him 24/7, it sucks not to have him around at all times.

Sacrifices, they say, are a part of marriage. I should know. I grew up without my mother. Still, this is hard.

I feel I can't breathe. He's not even that far. But once or twice a week is a huge change from everyday 24/7. It's hard not to have him around to tell things to when something amuses me, enrages me, hurts me, fascinates me...

You see, after five years of marriage, my husband is not only the love of my life, he is also my very best friend.

Crying helps, I think. It is healing. At least, I don't have my emotions bottled up inside me anymore. That is another fuck up thing though - he's the only who can comfort me when I am depressed or sad. And I don't have that source of comfort with me right now.

I have to be strong though because I always have to be the stronger one. What makes me even sadder though is the fact that Paige is going to miss him badly. Oh, well. At least I got to let that all out.

Forgive me. I shouldn't be blogging this, but I need to.