Thoughts on Death

Death. It's not something you want to think about or talk about.  Life is too precious to think about dying, but every now and then death confronts you.  It rears its ugly head and it reveals itself in the most horrific ways.  Sometimes, death is silent.  It comes in the middle of the night and it takes people away in a sweet embrace.  Most people would probably wish that for themselves.  I do.  I want death to come to me when I'm asleep and I wouldn't even know that I am dying.  That's probably how I want to die.

Sometimes, death comes with a warning and it allows you a few more precious minutes, hours, days, months, years with your loved ones to prepare them and to prepare yourself.  I wish that for myself as well. I wish that I'd be able to prepare my loved ones before I die.

Regardless of how I want to die, I want to be able to say first that I lived a life that is fully lived. I want to be able to tell myself that I have made a mark on the lives of people.  In the end, it doesn't matter how much money you have in your bank account or what kind of car you drive.  Those things do not matter.  What matters is that you lived your life fully and loved for all your worth.

Last night, we were told that my mother-in-law has only a few months to live if her body does not respond to chemotherapy.  I started crying.  We are hoping that she'd respond to chemotherapy.  We are hoping that we can buy off time.  That she can bargain for more time.   We can only pray for that.  It's all a blur right now.  We're all in denial, but we're praying. It's all we can do now.