My Love Affair with the Moon

Have you seen the moon tonight? It's a full moon.  It's breathtaking. I think I've once told someone that the easiest way to feel close to anyone you love who is far from from you is to look at the moon.  You see, it doesn't really matter where you are.  If you both look up, you will be looking at the same moon.  Distance doesn't seem so great if you think of it like that.  Of course, the person I was telling this to before was in the same time zone as I was.

Have you ever bathed with moon light streaming down your bathroom window, hitting you with its warmth? It feels good.  No, scratch that - it feels freaking great.  There is something about the moon that I just love.  I'm in love with it.  You can say it's my lover.  I am having an affair with it.  Oh, well, I'm just being a sentimental fool again.  

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Nothing Specific Really

I have this little vomit in my mouth - a figurative vomit. It doesn't exist, but curiously, I can taste it.

Lately, life has been both funny and cruel to people I know - and love. Life has been what it has always been, a pain in the ass. (Yes, I am rambling. I type as my thinking takes it usual route, scattered in different directions. I guess you will understand as I continue to write and you continue to read. It's just fair to let you know now though that I will be writing about a lot of things and I will probably jump from one topic to another.  So, please bear with me. I'll get there - eventually.)

Recently, I feel like I am stuck in this chair in front of a huge stage, a helpless and hapless witness to life's cruel jokes.  Life can seemingly lead one to retrace old steps and get closure from one's past. It can lead another to hold on to something that wouldn't last. It can get another to seek for happiness when happiness is still latched on to the past. Life can also lead another to say goodbye to something precious and someone loved. It doesn't end there... it goes on and on as life continues to unfold before my eyes in different ways.

But what does it have to offer to me?

Well, life has whispered a promise, a probability that really, something truly wonderful is always out there. Oh, it's not perfect, but I am happy. You know how it's like when there's nothing really spectacular happening to you, but you just know that you are blissfully happy. I can stay here, right at this very spot where I am and I can drown in this sheer happiness that I am feeling and I'd die happy.

Lately, I have realized that I am to someone what someone else was to me. People seem to hold on to things - an object, an idea and often a lost loved. But I have let go of my ghosts.  I've realized that the cure lies on unmasking your ghost.  Once you do, you'll realize that it doesn't have any hold of you anymore. My ghost has disappeared. Oh, it lingers sometimes, but I've realized that the reality is just a mere shadow of what was wonderful and amazing. What I have been holding on to is a shadow of what was and no longer is. The reality is entirely different.

I wish someone else would see me that way - that I am no longer who I am before, so they could let go of their idea of me and see me for who I am now.  I am different now. I am my own person. I have a family, but most of all, I am a mother. I wish I could say that being my person is more important than being a mother, but it seems that it is not, at least for now. The latter takes precedence over everything else.


Recently, I have been asked a question.  I wish I could give the person the answer that I believe this person wanted to hear from me, but I can't. Because the truth is, my heart, the whole of it is no longer mine.  I have given it away when I said my vows and I'd probably die without it.


It's sad really. It's everywhere - the vicious loneliness that seems to be eating at people, driving them to look for happiness from somewhere else.  Oh, I'm still rambling. I better end this now.

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