My heart is broken.
I wanted it so bad. It's not often something happens to me that puts my faith to test. I am such in abject misery right now. Scratch that. I'm utterly depressed, almost clinically even. I wanted that badly for my parents. I have disappointed them a lot of times and I wanted them to be proud of me. Right now, I'm not 28. I am not a mother. I am not married. I am once again my parent's little girl who just wanted to please her mommy so much.
I feel such a miserable failure. I've lost all focus and I've lost all directions.
I am so angry. I can't help but curse at my fate and curse at my fate's holder.
All I can keep thinking about is, "What the fuck do you want from me?"
I really tried my best. Nobody truly understands but people's kindness is killing me. It's beyond failing or not failing. It's all about the story behind that. It was my payment. It was supposed to make things better. It was supposed to make up for all that was expected of me.
I supposed it wasn't my time. I supposed I didn't try enough. The bottom line is that I am miserable. I have never been this miserable my entire life.
I am so glad my little sister is coming home next week. She always knew the right thing to say. She is that one person in my life where I knew no matter what -- I screwed up or not -- she'd always be right there. No judgment. I guess, it's a force of habit. We grew up without our mother so we learned to watch out for each other's back. I'd kill for her. She'd do the same for me.
I feel better after all that venting. Now, I'll just go back to moping and cursing and watching old DVDs.
Mar 30, 2008
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14 Gorgeous People Said --:
I have nothing to say... Silence... I can empathise what you feel.
*hugs* Hope you feel better soon. You are still the best in my eyes! :)
I'm sorry to here about the decision.
I was looking for a P L Dunbar poem that I love,would have been appropriate.. cant find it
So i leave "disappointment" - by Dunbar.
AN old man planted and dug and tended,
Toiling in joy from dew to dew;
The sun was kind, and the rain befriended;
Fine grew his orchard and fair to view.
Then he said: "I will quiet my thrifty fears,
For here is fruit for my failing years."
But even then the storm-clouds gathered,
Swallowing up the azure sky;
The sweeping winds into white foam lathered
The placid breast of the bay, hard by;
Then the spirits that raged in the darkened air
Swept o'er his orchard and left it bare.
The old man stood in the rain, uncaring,
Viewing the place the storm had swept;
And then with a cry from his soul despairing,
He bowed him down to the earth and wept.
But a voice cried aloud from the driving rain;
"Arise, old man, and plant again!"
Sorry to hear that piebuko, and I had everything crossed for you.
Obviously you are down right now, and understandably so, but don't beat yourself up so.
You're no failure.
You need some quality time now with family and loved ones, and a chance to get your anger and frustration fully vented before concentrating on the positives in your life, which always outweigh the negatives.
There is no such thing as failure... just a temporary postponement of success. Failure is when you no longer try...
{{{HUGS}}}
Oooooooh no. I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry, piebuko. Like Floog said. You are by no means a failure. They know how hard you worked. They love you no matter what.
I can only emphatize but I think I wouldn't know the exact core where your pain is coming from.
Disappointment is sometimes synonymous to pain and despair. I'm glad the techno gurus created this internet thingy that makes it easier to vent out our frustrations.
Hang on there. Your time will come.
Don't despair, behind the dark cloud the sun will shine soon.
God bless!!!
Hey I'm sorry to hear that...
Sorry to hear about your frustration.. but don't worry everything will be okay :)
hope u feel better now...just remember my friend no one or nobody is perfect.Okies....peace muahh muahh i am sure your mom undertand u you are her greatest gifts.By the way got a tag for u
http://filipinolifeabroad.blogspot.com/2008/04/feed-me-up.html
[BIG HUGS]
*knock knock* *prod prod* *poke poke*
SLAM!
Wake up PIEBUKO!!! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Rem my dead friend's story, it's never too late to pursue one's dreams even on his death bed.
Time to get back to reality!
We need you here!!!
One last hug *HUGS* and please show us your beautiful smile again!
(((hugs))) I don't know what ails you right now but (((hugs))) things happen for a reason...always for the better
hey there,
i've been waiting for an update from you. i've decided to come over to find out what happened. anyway, i perfectly understand where you are coming from. remember, i'll just be a click away. let me know if there's any help that i could probably offer.
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