Still in the Roller Coaster Ride

I am feeling...

• harassed. I did not make the quota. No bonus for me. *sigh.
  
• Sad.
• Relieved. For many reasons.
  
• Melancholic.
• Happy. Erbe is home.
  
• Irritated. With myself.
• Confused.
• Basically screwed up.

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Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

This has been a happy (slash) sad day.

I spent the whole afternoon chatting with two of my bestfriends, Tin and Set, and well, we talked about "confessions". It was nice. It's always nice to giggle with those two. We never have kept secrets -- well, I have never kept secrets from them -- so we always have such a blast shocking each other with our little secrets.

Bessie beat me though. Hands down.

I was and still am kinda melancholic. I miss Erbe. He went out of town for the weekend. I woke up this afternoon and the first thing that entered my mind was that he was not around. As usual, I was enveloped by an overwhelming sadness. I am not just used to not having him around. Well, he always takes my heart whenever he goes away. So, I called him up and cried silly. I always do that though. Anyway, it was a reminder of how much I love that silly silly man.

Well, there goes my emotional roller coaster ride.

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Drowning

We all have been given our little places.

We may not like it but we have to learn how to deal. So, we close our eyes and we pretend.
We sometimes question, but we close our ears... drowning the questions to oblivion. We don't want to truly face the truth. We like to rationalize things and pretend that we are doing well.

Still, there's always that little flicker of doubt... that nagging question that just wouldn't go away.
And then something or someone happens that reinforces the doubts and the questions.
But we know we're stuck. So regardless of the doubts, we trudge on hopelessly believing that we'll have happily ever after in the end.

So, we go on with our little lives.
Pasting that little fake smiles on our lips.
Dealing.
Deaf.
Drowning.

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Falling Slowly from Once

I saw Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova performed this at the Oscars. I fell in love with the song. I forgot about it until I watched the movie "Once". It's a great movie with a beautiful story. The ending is just apt. Sad, but apt.

Anyway, here is the song... enjoy! They won the Oscars for this one.

Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

	Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

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Batang Kalabaw

Earlier, I was complaining to Erbe about how bored I am with my job. I was complaining until I saw the documentary featured in GMA 7. The documentary focused on 13 children ages ranging from 6 to 13.

In the mountains of Agusan del Sur, entire communities make a living off illegal
logging. The adults cut down trees while some of their children carry the logs
down the mountainside. Some as young as six years old do this back-breaking
work, trekking up to four hours a day to bring logs down to the valley, where
eager buyers await.

Jay Taruc documents these children as they carry logs
even in the rain. Jay takes a fall along with them down the mountainside during
one rainy day of work.

Richard, Carlo, and Randy make up the group of young
boys he follows as they transport logs on their backs, attempting to balance
their heavy responsibilities with their need for play. There is one child among
them, however, who is all business, working faster than all the rest.

Cherilyn, at 14, acts as both father and mother to her five younger
siblings. She is the family's sole breadwinner. as her father was imprisoned for
murder and her mother suffers from a mental illness. She carries her burden
without complaint, no matter how heavy the logs get.

It's heartbreaking. Watching it was like having a cold water poured over my head.

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Insomnia -- I like It for 3 Reasons

I like being awake at night when everybody else is asleep because
1. I work better when there are no distractions. No noisy Paige, nagging Erbe and great soaps.
2. I like the feeling -- it's like I'm the only person left in the world. It is a time for MYSELF.
3. I worry about fires, burglars and homicidal maniacs. I like to feel that I'm protecting everyone else. Fires can breakout and I'll know. Burglars and homicidal maniacs can come in and I'll be ready with something to club them with.

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Tin Alano - For Her Fans

I am used to having people trying to get to my bestfriend through me. Well, that's just fine. One calls her his soulmate, another his true love, and so on.
My bestfriend is really, really pretty...
She's not perfect, but there's something about her that just attracts people.
Hell! Two of my exes were in-love with her.
My husband even had a crush on her!
Three of my cousins had a crush on her as well.
All of my male friends were and are infatuated with her.
You see, my bestfriend is not just pretty outside, she's gorgeous inside as well. I guess this is what people see.

Anyway, I got an email from one of her fans this evening asking about her.
I guess there are still people out there who are pining for her and who are hoping to get her.
There are people who, like this guy, just can't stop thinking about her.

Well, I'd like you all to know that she's great.
She's still almost perfect.
Still gorgeous.
Still kind.
Still intelligent.
Still the girl of your dreams.
But she's taken! OK? Taken! And she's hoping that she'll get married soon because she loves her guy.
I'm sorry, but she'll always be that to you -- a dream.
I don't mean to be mean, but I have gotten emails and calls from people who just can't stop thinking about her.
I figured this entry is just appropriate.

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Paige Finally Told Me

Earlier this evening, Erbe and I were talking about Annie. When suddenly, Paige said, "Yampaling"* I was surprised and I turned to her and saw her holding her left cheek and then she said it again, "Yampaling."

I then asked, "Sisay baby? Yampaling ka? nisay?"**
Her answer caught me by surprise, "Annie... yampaling." She said this while holding her left cheek.

Erbe and I looked at each other and so I held her and said that I was so sorry that she was hurt. I told her that Annie was bad and that she's gone. I promised my daughter no one will harm her again. It's heartbreaking.


* Slap
** Who, baby? Who slapped you?

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Evil Resided in My House

You can never really be too careful when it comes to your kids.
Horrible things could happen to them right under your nose.

I feel so bad right now. I feel so guilty. I have a bad case of migraine. I just feel like the most horrible mother for trusting Paige to that insipid, stupid, cruel, cruel person.

Yesterday evening, Erbe and my mother commented that Annie, Paige's yaya, was really harsh. They told me that they often hear her shouting at Paige. Now, this person is a manipulative bitch. Whenever I'm around, she's all sweetness to my daughter -- always extra careful that she does not do anything or say anything that I would find objectionable.

Now, although she's pretty stupid (and I mean really, really stupid), I told her never to hurt Paige in anyway and I'd forgive her for her countless acts of stupidity. I asked her to tell me or Erbe if Paige does anything wrong, so we'd discipline her. All she was allowed to do was to put Paige in time-outs if she's being bad. Now, that was clear.

I should have known something was up. Paige didn't like her and was absolutely terrified of her. We often wondered why Paige often exhibited fear or aversion towards her. Every time I would ask her if she's doing anything to Paige, she'd be like really adamant that she couldn't possibly hurt my daughter. That lying two-faced bitch.

Earlier this morning-- very early like 6 a.m. -- I happened to mention to her what Erbe and Mama said about her. She was offended. She was so offended that you would think she wasn't doing anything wrong and that just implying that she could do anything wrong was beyond comprehension. In fact, I felt bad like I was hurting her.

Then it happened. While Annie was inside doing some moping, my Nana Violy told me that she saw Annie slapping Paige yesterday night. I was stunned and promptly but calmly called her. Now, if you know me, being calm is beyond my meager capabilities. I'm a "freak-out" expert. But I managed to calmly call her and then I asked her if there was any truth to what Nana Violy was telling me.

She did not say anything.
She was just standing there, looking trapped, staring at me.
And then she said, "Dai ko na po gigibuhon ulit" (I will not do it again)
Did I slap her right there and then? No. Erbe said that's what I should have done but I didn't. I restrained myself and calmly asked her to pack her bags and leave. Nana Violy asked me to give her another chance.
Chance? To what? For her to hit my daughter again?
Apparently, Paige was being bad and was hitting her face, which if you know any toddler, you'd know that this is a phase they go through. You have to discipline them right and smacking my daughter right back is not the right thing to do.
Annie hit her back so hard that Nana Violy saw Paige's head thrown back. Yes, thrown back! it was that hard! Paige was crying. This bitch was so spiteful that she even told my daughter that Paige deserved it.

I was so livid with anger.
It's been hours but I'm still shaking with anger.

She wasn't even remorseful. When I said that I won't give her another chance, she turned her back on me and her face scrounged up -- angry. And she took her pretty time packing her bags. She had two little -- and I mean little -- bags and it took her almost an hour to pack.

At one point, she approached me, and I told her not to come near me because I wanted to hurt her so bad I was practically itching. To avoid hurting her, I pushed her away. She fell on her big derrière but she was fine -- or so I thought until she came back with her mother and aunt a few hours later.

The lying two-faced nasty worm actually had the gall to lie to her mother in front of us. She outrightly denied that she hit Paige and she implied that I hurt her. I could have strangled her right there and then. Her mother had the nerve to be angry and she couldn't comprehend why I was so livid with anger. Fortunately, the aunt was sane. She signaled that Annie has her screws loose. She was apologetic.

Anyway, I was so angry with Nana Violy as well. Apparently, the slapping was not an isolated incident. It happened before but she only warned Annie that she'd tell me but she did not tell me that it happened. The others came out with their own witnessed stories as well. You can just imagine how furious I was -- still am. They all saw how she was treating my daughter but nobody told me.

I am so angry with myself. I felt like I betrayed my daughter for exposing her to that vile person.
I feel so guilty for leaving my daughter to her. Every time I'd give Paige to her, I gave her the opportunity to hurt my daughter. Do you know how it feels? You don't even want mosquitoes to bite your daughter and you actually paid someone to slap her? I was paying this person to take care of my daughter and she was hurting her! Not just hurting her -- she was practically abusing her!

I've learned my lesson well. Never again will I let this happen. Never.

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Erbe! Psst!

In the middle of the night...

"E-bi! E-bi!"
"psst!"
"Oi! E-bi!"
"Ma-mam!"

Getting louder...

"E-bi!"
"Oi! E-bi!"
"Ma-mam!"

and louder and louder and louder.

What was that?
Well, that was Paige.

Interpretation --
"Erbe! Erbe!"
"Psst!"
"Oi! Erbe"
"Ma-mam" (referring to her bottle of milk)

Yes, she really did say, "Psst!" and "Oi!"
And she only calls her papa, "Erbe", every time she's demanding her bottle of milk from him.
Erbe will usually just laugh it off. He loves everything she does.

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Looking for a Penpal

People who are closest to me know that I wanted to marry a foreigner. I wanted babies like my niece, Cori. Well, that didn't happen, but that's ok since I have Erbe. Besides, I have Cori.

Earlier I was looking for the Tagbilaran Community Hospital in Bohol website. I couldn't find it. Instead I came across this website, a site meant to help Filipinas find foreign husbands.

I scanned the pictures and here are my favorites -- (I know, I know, I should not post this. It's mean, but I just can't resist!) So, here goes...

• I like cooking, and household works.

I don't think she's looking for a husband. Perhaps, she's looking for an employer. This is a perfect application for household help.

My hobbies is to plant the flower and I love the animals.

She said, "plant THE flower." Now, I wonder what the heck is that flower?! I'd marry her myself if I'm a foreigner just to see her plant THE flower. :)

I like pen-pal oldest age, because he give love to wife, loving caring, and understanding the wife, I like this oldest age.I like meeting my pen pal like personal look.

HUH???? She likes that OLDEST age. I hope she does not mean Methuselah, right? At least she likes the personal look. Whatever that means! Well, I think I know what she means.

My hobbies are basketball, volleyball, and other games.I like to read the books poems and appendix, but I don't like to read magazines. I like movies.

She likes to read the Appendix! Seriously! You gotta marry her. She's unique. I have never heard of anyone who likes reading the appendix.





Now, what's wrong with this one?

She's SCARY. Period.

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Heaven

Heaven.
Bryan Adams.
This song has some significance. I was working and then it played over Yahoo Music LaunchCast and I began singing along with it and then I stopped.
I have this nagging feeling that this song has significance to me.
I think its a song from MY past.
Now, if I only could remember --
Damn.

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