I am lethargic. I know I need to work, but I am not doing well. Death does not suit me well.
When I was in 5th grade, my father hired Chong Jun to bring me to and fetch me from school daily. I was only 12 years old. Several years later, he convinced my parents to start a tricycle business. My mother thought it was a good idea. He was the driver of the very first tricycle that our family bought. Ever since then he never left. He continued to bring me to school daily throughout High School and fetch me from school as well. He was my sister's "sundo" from the time she was in 3rd grade until she was in College.
He was there in practically every significant event in our lives - when we move here, Christmas, weddings, birthdays... he was there. He was a part of our life...our family...for the past 16 years.
Yesterday, I saw him for the last time. He died of a heart attack early this morning.
The weird thing about this is that I have been thinking about him dying for a week now. I'd find myself thinking, "Ano daw kung magadan na si Chong Jun? Makikilubong kami. Ano daw mamati ko?" (Now, I know.)
It was like a premonition. It was a nagging thought that I didn't dare speak of. It was a horrible thought. And it was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard of his passing... I even asked my mother if it was my fault that he died.
Earlier this evening, we went to their family's house to pay our respect. It was so weird. It was like my brain blocked all emotions when I first heard of his death, but then when I was sitting there, I started crying... just crying like I am doing right now. People were staring at me. I refused though to go near his coffin. I really don't want to remember him dead. I want to remember him like the last time I saw him. I want to remember him anticipating his retirement and thinking of filing for disability, so he could just receive pension from SSS, and he could stop working. He was so happy when my mother informed him that he need not pay his SSS dues anymore.
He was always there, you see. He fills a space. He was a part of our family, and now he's gone - that space he filled for 16 years is empty.
No, he was not just a driver to us. He was a friend to my father, a huge help to my mother, and a big part of our childhood. With him dying, that part of my childhood died as well.
When I was in 5th grade, my father hired Chong Jun to bring me to and fetch me from school daily. I was only 12 years old. Several years later, he convinced my parents to start a tricycle business. My mother thought it was a good idea. He was the driver of the very first tricycle that our family bought. Ever since then he never left. He continued to bring me to school daily throughout High School and fetch me from school as well. He was my sister's "sundo" from the time she was in 3rd grade until she was in College.
He was there in practically every significant event in our lives - when we move here, Christmas, weddings, birthdays... he was there. He was a part of our life...our family...for the past 16 years.
Yesterday, I saw him for the last time. He died of a heart attack early this morning.
The weird thing about this is that I have been thinking about him dying for a week now. I'd find myself thinking, "Ano daw kung magadan na si Chong Jun? Makikilubong kami. Ano daw mamati ko?" (Now, I know.)
It was like a premonition. It was a nagging thought that I didn't dare speak of. It was a horrible thought. And it was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard of his passing... I even asked my mother if it was my fault that he died.
Earlier this evening, we went to their family's house to pay our respect. It was so weird. It was like my brain blocked all emotions when I first heard of his death, but then when I was sitting there, I started crying... just crying like I am doing right now. People were staring at me. I refused though to go near his coffin. I really don't want to remember him dead. I want to remember him like the last time I saw him. I want to remember him anticipating his retirement and thinking of filing for disability, so he could just receive pension from SSS, and he could stop working. He was so happy when my mother informed him that he need not pay his SSS dues anymore.
He was always there, you see. He fills a space. He was a part of our family, and now he's gone - that space he filled for 16 years is empty.
No, he was not just a driver to us. He was a friend to my father, a huge help to my mother, and a big part of our childhood. With him dying, that part of my childhood died as well.
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