Paige Made a Promise

And here's a video I'd probably enjoy showing to Paige for a long, long time.

Okay, I respect how parents prefer to rear their children, but I really don't understand why I'd have Paige speaking in English or Tagalog when she's living here and conversing with Bicolanos. I'd feel pretentious. Anyway, that's just me. What do I know, right?

So, here's the vid.  Forgive the quality. I was using my mobile phone and the light was poor.

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A Minute of Self-Pity

Life sucks. It really does - OR at least it has for me for the last month. I'm depressed, really really depressed. I try to cheer myself up sometimes, but I have to admit, I am really, really depressed now. I don't feel well as well. Life sucks.

Right now, I wish -

I have more time for myself. I am not asking for too much. I just need three days - three days of ME time.

I don't have to worry about anything or anyone. I am tired of worrying.

I can rely on someone to be strong for me when I have none left because I feel like I'm emotionally spent up. I'm just so fucking tired really.

I need sleep. I want to sleep without having to wake up every couple of hours because Riley is crying or her pacifier is missing.

I need these things. I really do.

God, I'm depressed.

I'm sorry my blog is not so much fun to read these days.

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To Be Grateful

Life has been a bitch, a real bitch. And I thought of posting my complaints here. I thought I'd let out all my frustrations, anger and worries here. But I guess, I'd rather not. I gave myself a good cry already. I haven't been really crying. Oh, I gave in a couple of times, but I haven't really allowed myself a good cry, a healing one.

Life is such a bitch sometimes. Have I said that already? I've already written about Paige coming down with a viral infection in her brain. She's lucky she escaped unscathed. Some people are not lucky. Many end up with brain damage. Many died from this debilitating illness. Paige is a survivor.

Anyway, two weeks after Paige was discharged from the hospital, my mother had a heart attack. It was an eye opener for me. I thought my mother would live forever - or at least for another 40 years. It never occurred to me that she could have a heart attack or that she has heart problems for that matter. (The same day we rushed Mommy to the hospital, Riley was vomiting her guts out. Fortunately, this resolved the next day.)

Mommy's heart attack, however, had a huge impact on my future plans. Seeing her and my father made me realize how they'd be like if I wasn't around. It was so sad. My father has diabetes and heart ailment as well. This made me rethink all my plans.

Anyway, I thought I'd complain about how life sucks, but I won't. After all, I had a good cry earlier. After weeks of refusing to buckle up. I finally did - and it was all because Riley wouldn't stay still long enough for me to dress her up. I just gave her to Erbe and I started bawling. I allowed myself to give in to self-pity for no longer than a minute and then I wiped my tears.

Now, I refuse to complain. I would like, however, to list all the things I'm grateful for.

I am truly grateful for -

• The fact that my daughter survived the disease without permanent physical or mental damage. I refuse to dwell on the fact that she had the disease, but on the fact that she survived it.
• Paige's laughter. For three weeks, smiles did not come to her naturally. She was in pain and she just kept on sleeping. I'm really happy, she's healthy enough to drive me nuts with her naughtiness because while she was sick, I'd give anything to see her jumping, climbing, laughing and yes, shouting.
• Hospitals that are near. We were able to bring Mommy to MSH just on time. The doctor said the heart attack could have led to stroke. Fortunately, the risk was averted.
• Mommy. Because I've been given more years with her. I really don't want to go away now. I can't just leave her and come back when she's sick or worse.
• My husband, my loving and supportive husband who is a saint. He's my sounding board. He's been through the whole nightmare with me.
• Families. I do not want to dwell on relatives who suck. I just want to be grateful for their willingness to help regardless of what they feel or think about helping us.
• My sister. I must have been blessed with the best sister in the whole world. Of course, Erbe will say the same thing about his own sister to whom I'm also really grateful.
• Erbe's family. They are angels. Their love for my husband is limitless.
• A chance to be with my family. To be given an opportunity to show them how much I love them.
• God and faith because I have them. I don't think I can survive this if I don't have that unwavering faith that God will fix everything for me. I just need to have faith. If I don't have that, I don't know where or to whom I'd cling on to.

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Unleashed

I miss you.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I don't want to, but I do

After all these years. Still.

I've realized that I am very good at deluding myself into thinking that I don't care.  

That you don't exist, but every now and then, a memory leaps forward, takes its hold and refuses to let go.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I mean it.  Well, now, I do.

I'd probably wish you hell tomorrow.

So.

I miss you.

I've been thinking of you. More than usual.

Do you want to know how it's like for me?

It's like - a huge black emptiness has settled in my stomach.

I can feel it sucking the light out of my heart.

That's how it is these days because I miss you.

They'd probably think this is a love letter.

Funny.

They don't even know for whom this is for.

Oh, well.

You probably do not even know this is for you.

But if you feel that it is, then it is.

So, yes, I just want you to know, I miss you.

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The Creature

Today was an... interesting day. Yes, interesting, that's the word. It describes exactly how this day went.  It was interesting enough to warrant a blog entry.

I met up with Lynette, Lex (Nette's baby), Che and Sette for lunch.  Erbe and Paige were with me, but Erbe was just there to eat and run.  He had some stuffs to take care of, so he couldn't stay long.  Anyway, this would have been an uneventful day if not for the fact that I saw a tweet from someone I hope to avoid - or to not see until the day I die - saying that this Earthling is also breathing the same SM air that I was breathing.

Initial reaction? Hm. Yes, just one m. hm.  I told Nette and Che (Sette and Erbe already left by this time) about it and as expected they'd began teasing. Nette said that if she were me, she'd be going crazy already.  But I said, "I'm not." Yeah, right. SNORT!

Of course, Che is quite curious about this particular homo sapiens because although the "being's" name has been mentioned quite a lot of times in our conversations, she hasn't seen or met this earthling.  After some fateful revelations I did not too long ago, her curiosity is quite piqued.  Anyway, they wanted to "accidentally" run into this creature. I refused however because.. well, I'm just an effing scaredy cat.  I told them that we will just have to try to avoid this creature at all cost and yes, remain in our seats until the coast was clear.  That's what we did.  They were bummed and afterwards, irritated and bored.

So, I had no choice, but to agree to get up.  All the while, I was dutifully mumbling prayers that I wouldn't run into this creature.  To make matters worst, Che said, "Dai ka pati nakaayos." 
It was like she was telling me I looked like some bedraggled bag lady from Timbuktu.

I retorted, "Sisay man maisip na mangungudto man ito digdi?"

Che volleyed back, "Dapat arug ka ki nette pirming prepared."

Prepared my ass.  Hurramph!  

This prompted me to ask for virtual help which my good but sadistic friend (coz she derived immense pleasure from my dire strait) Tinay.  Being the good friend that she is, she helped me and asked the Creature to leave the place.

I was relieved to learn that this Creature wasn't there anymore. I expelled a huge sigh of relief. And I happily went my way.  We had our pictures taken.  We bought some tokens for the kids' rides and happily took pictures.

See?  Happy!

But alas!  All this happiness dissolved when once again I learned from a tweet that the Creature came back - like a really bad nightmare or a bad case of bacteria infestation that you couldn't just shake off with antibiotics, he was there ONCE-freakin'-again!  So, I reverted back to praying.  (Yes, you idiot, I was praying!)  Anyway, Tinay was quite...entertained.  The Creature was having immense fun as well - both at my expense (insert eyes rolling).  My misery was an amusement to both of them.

I couldn't take it anymore, I had to leave.  Like a dog between his legs, I fled.  I freaking fled, dragged Paige out of the mall and fled. It was only later that I learned that this Creature was just pulling my leg. just having fun. *sigh*

Anyway, I resolved that I'd make IT pay.  I swear the Creature would rue this day!  One day I'd have my revenge. Bwahahahahaha!

Okay, this post is for the benefit of the Creature and Tinay. I suppose if you're not them, you'd think this stupid. I don't care. You should have stopped after the first paragraph anyway, why are you still reading this? Why? Why? oh, well. I'm finished already. You've read the whole thing. So, what do you think? Who's the Creature in the story?  What is its significance to me?  Why was I avoiding this Creature?  Why do I want to avoid the Creature? Matinding pag-isip isip ang kailangan. Amen. :)

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Effed Up

I want to cry.
I want to cry so hard that angels would take pity on me and harangued God with all my solicitations.
I want to cry so hard that the Earth would weep with me.
This is long overdue
But despite the tears that I have shed, I have not shed enough to cleanse my heart out of all its anger...bitterness...and fear.
I want to cry that tears would drown me and heal me.
That I'd find comfort from knowing that I can feel.
I don't know what I fear most - the fact that I need to cry or the fact that I can't seem to cry.
Emotions are all bottled up, so screwed up tight.
It's all fucked up really.

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Paige at the Hospital

Paige was diagnosed with encephalitis. We were told she's lucky that we were able to bring her to the hospital before her condition became irreversible. Initially, she had fever and stomachache. Eventually, she started complaining of headache and she started sleeping 24/7. We'd try to wake her up but she was only able to manage to stay up for 15 minutes tops and she'd go back to sleep.

Sussette put her on antibiotics but her condition didn't change. We went to see a GI doctor and we were told he didn't see anything wrong with her - or at least her condition wasn't something he could address. Sette told us that Paige may have encephalitis and she told us to see the neurologist. Dr. De Los Reyes immediately instructed us to have Paige confined and scheduled for CT scan and other series of neurological tests.

It was heartbreaking. Paige was screaming all the time. She was scared of the nurses and the needles and the antibiotics. She didn't want to have a CT scan so I had to stay with her inside the room. I got into an argument with the heartless bitch working the computers inside the EEG laboratory which Paige had to go through 3 times! I had to wash her hair three times for that because her scalp was supposed to be cleaned.

I had to comfort her while the neurologist tried a spinal tap procedure without anesthesia but Paige kept buckling, so she couldn't do it. The anesthesiologist who tried to do it failed too. Fortunately, Sette was there and she volunteered to do the procedure which she was able to do with only one attempt.

We had people helping us out, but I realized some things then:

1. That there are people who would visit us just because they are obligated to do so. I think they are hypocrites.  These are the people who came just so they can get over the whole thing and scratch it out from their To-Do list. 

2. There are people who truly cares. Curiously enough, these are people I didn't imagine caring.

3. Families - at the end of the day, they'd be the ones who'd be there for you. Of course, not everyone in your family can be counted on.  Erbe and I, once again, learned it the hard way.

Basically, I learned who I can trust to be there for me when life turns from crazy to shitty. Anyway, we stayed in the hospital for 8 days. Paige is very lucky to have people praying for her. She's doing great now. Still recovering, but doing a whole lot better.  Please God, keep her healthy so we'd never have to go back to the hospital again for her - or for Riley.

  

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Signal #2

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Coripoo

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Dear God

I know you're busy and all.
And I don't pray often enough for you to hear me.
Life has been quite peaceful and
You've been very kind.
So, I've probably forgotten to say a prayer every now and then.
But now I beg of you,
Please listen to my prayer.
It's really quite simple, Lord.
Please heal my daughter.
That's all I ask.
She's in pain and as much as I want to cry along with her,
I can't.
I have to be strong for now.
But please just heal her.
Take away her pain.
I surrender her to you.

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