Love with No Fear

Fear sleeps but never dies out,
I wish I was strong but I don't know how,
Do you hear my restless heart?
Out in the rain but it feels good,
Will I crawl where I once stood,
I am not safe out in the cold,
But like a waterfall - I'm letting it all go,
You could destroy my heart,
But I want to know
How it feels to fall down on my knees,
Pray I'll keep you forever,
And I want to say out of all my dreams,
I found something better,
Because I'm ready to fight for someone I'm willing to die for,
I wanna love with no fear.
Walk straight into the fire,
I am flying even higher,
Right now I want to scream your name,
Oh I love you, I love you,
I don't care who hears me,
I don't care if my heart bleeds,
And if I'm broken let it be by you,
And I could be torn apart,
But I want to know
How it feels to fall down on my knees,
Pray I'll keep you forever,
And I want to say out of all my dreams,
I found something better,
Because I'm ready to fight for someone I'm willing to die for,
I wanna love with no fear.
How it feels to fall down on my knees,
Pray I'll keep you forever,
And I want to say out of all my dreams,
I found something better,
Because I'm ready to fight for someone I'm willing to die for,
I wanna love with no fear.
I wanna love with no fear

…………………………….I love this song!

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After Watching It Takes a Man and a Woman

I had a great day. Seriously, a good one. I love days like this.

Nothing really cataclysmic happened. I just saw a movie with my friends and had dinner with them.

I absolutely loved the film. It had me laughing my ass off. It’s not even just giggling or smiling…I mean, laughing my.freakin’.ass.off. Knee-slapped-head-thrown-back kind of laugh.  The kind of laugh that would have you hitting your friend’s back. Because that was what I was doing to Nette. Poor girl, she’d have bruises on her back from all the slapping I was giving her. The movie was just so darn funny. The comic timing was excellent. Sarah G’s acting was a bit over the top and the accent was a tad awful, but I forgave her because I thoroughly enjoyed her in this one.

When I wasn’t laughing, I was crying. I probably cried five to six times during the entire film – but most of the time, I was just laughing. We all loved it.  At one point, Nette even screamed! Seriously, she screamed when JLC appeared on the screen. It was so funny.

Tinay, well, she’s a self-confessed Sarah G fantard, so she loved it from start to finish as well. She was moony after the film. She was amusing. But anyway, I enjoyed this day. I want more days like this.

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It’s a “Good” Friday.

I was having a bad moment earlier. Really bad. The kind of bad that would land me in an asylum.

I didn’t want to put the kids to bed. I haven’t been feeling well all afternoon and I didn’t really have the patience for their bickering. It’s always constant bickering with the girls. Now, I know how my mother felt with me and my sister quarreling while growing up.  I’m echoing the same things she used to scream at us.

Anyway, Riley was crying because Erbe left the room.  She’s papa’s girl and she likes to have him put her to bed.  Because Erbe didn’t come back too soon for her, she cuddled next to me, whimpering.  So, I hugged her close until her sniffling stopped and I could feel her steady breathing. She was finally asleep. And I laid there, just looking at this one single star I could see from the window.  The curtains were open and the moon was so bright, I could see white clouds dotting the dark blue skies.  And there was this one star..just one star.

It was one of those moments – those perfect moments. My 2-year-old cuddled next to me, and I… I was staring at the sky, and that one single bright star. Those are the kinds of moments that you can’t buy…not even for a million bucks.

And suddenly, I didn’t feel so bad.

I felt grateful and blessed. And I started counting all my blessings…counting..counting…counting. And I realized all the things I convinced myself I need to have…I don’t really need them. I want them, but I have everything I need right now.  In fact, if I die tonight, I’ll die happy.

That was my last thought before I started praying…no, not really. I did not pray. I had a conversation with God. And it started with, “I’m sorry, I haven’t talked to you for a while now, but still…thank you…”

I haven’t been praying, you see. I realized it’s because my life has been really good that I haven’t found the need to pray.  So, I lay there for a while and allowed myself to pray.

Needless to say, it was a Good Friday. Yes, pun intended.

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Words That Describe Me

Furious. Enraged. Confused. Angry. Mad. Depressed. Sad.

Funny thing. I don’t know why.

I just dumped Riley outside – literally dumped her. She was making me so mad. It was either that or I hit her. So, I picked her up and then just gave her to her father.

My patience is in shreds. I feel like a volcano that’s about to erupt. I can’t blame it on hormones – or maybe I can. I don’t know. My sister once told me that I should consider estrogen therapy. It might help with my mood swings and volatile temperament. I thought estrogen therapy is for old biddies who are going through menopause. I haven’t asked my OB about it. I’ve always said I will visit my OB, but I haven’t. Maybe I should go tomorrow. I really should.

E understands what I am going through. I am just so mad about things… I really can’t talk about it here. I discovered that it’s easier to talk to strangers but it’s not easy to divulge some things to people who know me.

I have decisions that I have to make. I feel powerless. I want something but I can’t have it right now. I have responsibilities – and I am so tired of that word - “responsibility”.  The word is soul sucking. It’s the same word that drags you into this vicious cycle, endless monotonous cycle.

I want to eat everything in sight. I’ve long accepted that I am an emotional eater. And being aware of that, I have to stop myself from turning to food to feel better. This depresses me even more.

Along with the depression is this immeasurable resentment and anger.  It is there boiling..boiling..boiling. Sometimes, I explode. Just like a while ago when I couldn’t take Riley’s crying anymore.  It takes forever to get her to sleep.  I realized I won’t do it anymore. It’s up to E to do that from now on. I won’t do it anymore. I can’t.

I feel a little better. Writing my thoughts down always help. I still feel sad though. I’ve been feeling like this for the past three days. Only Korean soaps help. Oh, well. maybe estrogen shots would help as well. I really should get those shots.

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Bato Bato sa Langit

It has been years...get over it already.

And tell her to get over it already.

God.

It's like I am in this freakin' roller coaster ride that never stops.

Let me make this very, very clear.

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS ABOUT YOU.

I don't.

No matter what you think or what she may think.

I DON'T.

Get over yourself. God, just get over yourself already.

I really don't get it.

No offense, but seriously...

Seriously!

I don't get it.

A smile, a nod... it won't kill you people.

We don't really have to do all these covert things just to avoid each other.

It's just weird.

You're making it weird.

You both are weird.

And it's irritating.

Erbe and I are laughing our ass off.

You are irritating, but you're a constant source of amusement.

Your conceit, it's amusing.  It's pathetic, but amusing, you arrogant boor.

You love yourself so much, you should just go ahead and kiss your ass.

*I'm just ranting. Curiously enough, I don't think the subject of this rant will even be able to read this.

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Ranting: Just Ignore

I feel like crap.

My nose and throat itch like crazy.

I sound like a frog when I talk.

My husband just farted, and I feel like scalping his head off.

I am so hungry ALL THE FVCKIN time.

I have dry cough which wakes me up at night, so I haven't been sleeping well.

Oh boy, am I having a grand time.

yep, it's that time of the month.

Sent from Samsung Mobile

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The First Time

We all have that – that one perfect moment. Looking back, you’d wish that you had the presence of mind to take stock and remember every perfect little detail. It’s that moment when you are exactly at the right place at the right time to meet that one person you will remember for the rest of your life. It doesn’t even matter if you end up with this person or not – only few are lucky to have that happy ending.

I don’t know if you’ve had that...if you have met that one person with whom you seem to have that instant cerebral connection. It’s a meeting of minds that creates a strong bond. It may not last, but it’s so strong that you want it to.

I had that.  It’s not something you easily find. I think everyone has that though. I think once in your banal existence, you’ve probably met someone you are so in sync with. Someone you can talk to for hours. Someone who wants to listen to your opinions, theories, stories – and never get tired of them. Someone you can listen to for hours and still hunger for more.

I didn’t really think I’d like the film. Rotten Tomatoes gave it bad reviews, but recently, I have discovered myself downloading shows and movies without bothering to check out what they are about in the first place. And this is what happened here. I have this film downloaded and I was like, “Hm. What is this?” So, I checked out the reviews and plots, and I found out some like it, some don’t. So, yeah, what the heck? I have downloaded it already, so why not watch it, right?  I didn’t even realize that I like the lead actor and actress. I’ve seen their respective shows.

The film starts and I was hooked. Curiously enough, it has a considerably simple plot.  It’s a couple of teenagers’ love story – and I am far cry from being a teenager, but the whole thing dragged my ass to 1999 when I, myself, was a teenager. And I watched. The chemistry between these actors was exceptional.

I like how they dealt with the reality of sex and first times. They’ve captured the whole thing perfectly – the shame, embarrassment, ignorance, vulnerability. After all, sex can sometimes be overrated. But I like how they dealt with it. I think your first time, like your first kiss, should be special. It is not something you just get over with. But unlike your first kiss, it’s not something insignificant. It’s either you enjoy it or not, regret it or not. But the thing is, it doesn’t even matter if you did enjoy it. Most people don’t. What is important is that you don’t regret the person you were with. After all, everyone loses their virginity eventually. Oh, scratch that. Not everyone.

So, yes, I did like this film. Dare I say, love it even.  Rotten Tomatoes reviews be damned.

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State Of Mind

Wretched soul

Devoured by the Ordinary

Blissfully choosing to stay quite

To stay still

As if the void is enough

As if the mindless incessant chatter

Really drowns the wailing...

the boredom

That drills through the skull

Causing the bleeding

Seeping through every pore

Of a banal existence...

So that's how she sees it,

But she's wrong.

The heart sees what regrets

couldn't.

What she couldn't.

Devoid.

Pathetic.

Sick.

Ungrateful.

Bitch.

That I am.

Sent from Samsung Mobile

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Sunday Ritual

Every Sunday, Paige and I would try to stay in bed for as long as we can, and then while Erbe works and Riley sleeps, Paige would help me prepare breakfast, then we'd set up our breakfast in the balcony and we'd have our breakfast there. nothing fancy - just good food and a lot of talking and giggling.

Afterwards, we'd watch a film I downloaded for her. Today, it's Wreck It Ralph.

Ah, life. It's nothing glamorous, but it's a happy one.

Have a great Sunday - whoever you are reading this.



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