Random Thoughts at 2:22 AM

I’ve lost my ability to think fast…

In fact, I’ve lost my ability to think at all. I see words and they come rushing to me, like an impending train, perfectly designed to crash.  One word blurs against another and I find myself struggling to understand the excruciating meaning of every sentence, every paragraph.

I’m losing control and I hate it.

I am tethering, struggling to maintain balance. It seems like I am consumed with trying to exact control and trying to find my ground.

It’s my last day of work tomorrow. I hate the idea of not earning a single cent.  I don’t actually know how many buckets of tears I’ve cried over these seemingly simple decisions. To do or not to do.  I am so over my head.

I feel like I’ve lost molecules of my brain.  When did I lose faith in my self? I am scared and I am drowning myself in meaningless pursuits and momentary emotions.

I am trying to make sense of things. It seems like I am dealing with a deluge of  questions and moral dilemma.  I knew of black and white, and I always knew there were shades of grey there somewhere. What I didn’t realize is that gray can be considerably tricky.  Gray can fuck with your head.  But Christ, gray feels good. Gray makes you forget. Gray stares at ennui in the eye and shoots it to kingdom come. But Gray will be the death of me.

Puzzles. Yes, I know. I am talking in riddles. I mean to. How can I make you understand when I don’t even understand myself? Something has taken root in me, but I have yet to identify it. I have not yet named it. It has not revealed itself to me.  However, I know I need to wait for it to stay still and end it. I can’t let it live. I can’t let it grow.  It’s not meant to take deeper root. It will drive me insane. I am not ready to lose to it.

There are questions I need to answer. Supposedly. But I think I’d rather not.   There is no point unearthing what needs to lie still.