Because the Shit Has Hit the Fan

Mcdo at 4 in the morning.

Where do I go now? :(

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2:54 AM

My 4th cup - no, 1st. After all. This is a new day.

It's the 13th of the month.

13th already. 

Time flies so fast and I'm battling with time right now.  I am not there yet - emotionally, mentally, but spiritually? Oh I'm there! God must be so happy with me. He has never seen me this often in Church for the past 6 years.

I still feel like crap.  Recent events still affect me as much as I hope they wouldn't.  I really don't like dealing with an amoral douche.  Turned out that is exactly what I was dealing with.  Seriously! What's a couple of months?!  So freaking weird.  So wrong in so many levels.  And I can't even do anything about it?! I'm stuck and I can't say anything without gutting myself as well. Oh, well.  I made my bed, I should sleep on it. And sleep I'll do now - literally. It's 3 in the morning and I have work tomorrow.

Why the hell are you still reading my blog by the way?!

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01.11.2014

It was a good day. Oh it didn’t start out so well, but I like how it ended.

I was forced by someone to do something that I wasn’t ready to do – that I wasn’t willing to do. Curiously enough, once I’ve accepted that it’s done – it didn’t bother me anymore. It’s like I never cared all along and in fact, I am wondering what the fvck the fuss was all about? But then again, I have years of experience of shutting off emotions.

When I was a kid, I used to cry buckets every time my mother would leave us to go back to Brunei.  My sister was so young then.  She didn’t actually realize what was happening.  This went on for years. Until she finally started crying too. And once she did, I stopped crying. I figured, I needed to be strong for her. My father always left with our mother, so we had no one to turn to – and she had no one to turn to, but me. So, I stopped crying. I just shut off every emotion. It was like I didn’t care. I did this, so I could comfort her. I did this for years until it became easy for me to shut off emotions when I want to. This is why I actually never spent weeks or days crying over exes because of breakups. I just shut off emotions, gave them the major “f-u” in my head and moved on.  Oh, I love all the messy drama of emotions and feelings. I revel in them. I enjoy them. I squeeze everything out of them, but once I decide, enough is enough. Then I just shut the damn emotions off and I.don’t.care.

Just like that.

So, I guess this is what happened. Or maybe I really just didn’t care enough and I was just reveling in emotions that simply weren’t true. I do that sometimes. I enjoy the drama, you see.

Or maybe I was just bored and for a brief moment, I was not.  Don’t you sometimes long for something different to happen, something so new and exciting it carries you along with it like a great tide, something that lets your life blaze and burn so the whole world can see it?

I think that’s what happened, and then the tide went back to sea. And the blaze died down. I actually do not care. I just miss the blaze.  But then again, there’s always the silent comfort brought about by burnt coals. It’s not too hot, but it’s warm enough. It’s silent, strong and enduring.

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One-Eyed Stressed Earthling

Been so stressed!

And unhappy.

But things seem to be working out.

Now, I just have to focus and avoid distractions. I can do this!

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A Good Day

Despite the fact that I'm all cooped up inside this room, I like the fact that I can just look out the window and stare at the blue, blue skies.

It was a good morning.

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