My Mother’s Confession

Tinay and I were talking about first loves and we were marveling about the fact that some people never seem to get over their first loves. In fact, I think people never really get over theirs – truth be told.

When I got home later yesterday evening (yes, this was after I ripped my pants), I told my mother about our conversation. And suddenly, mamu told me that she had a confession to make.

This gave me a pause.

And mother started talking about Fidel.

Ah, Fidel, her first love. The man whom she fell in-love with when she was 13 years old (yes, her puppy love).

I often saw him when we went to Cabusao for a vacation. He was around and his presence reminded me of my mother's life way before I even existed. I didn't hate him, but damn, he irritated the hell out of me. No, I definitely didn't hate him.

I didn't hate him even when he would start dancing Cha-Cha while singing my Mom's name over and over again.

I didn't hate him when he would get drunk and would start crying and calling out my mother's name.

I didn't hate him when he would go around that little barrio exclaiming his love for my mother for everyone to hear. He'd have everyone laughing. He was often a butt of "true love" jokes – and my mother would often get teased by relatives and friends as well. Still, I didn't hate him.

But Jesus H. Christ, he irritated the hell out of me!

He was married and he had kids. He was a painter, a damn good one too. These are the two things I knew about him. But everyone knew something else about Fidel – that he died in-love with my mother.

In fact, his last request was to see my mom.

He was my mother's first love.

My mother was 13 years old and Fidel was 16 years old when he started courting her. He had to dress up as a girl in order to see her. Mommy has fond memories of him and those years. They grew up and eventually parted ways. Mommy eventually found Daddy and fell in-love with my father.

But Fidel… Fidel never got over her. Yesterday, my mother confessed something. She said he always held a special place in her heart. This is definitely a news to me because she never said anything.. never admitted anything all those years when people would tease her about him. Yes, my father is the love of her life, but the sight of Fidel always made her happy.

She also confessed that he wrote her numerous letters while she was working abroad. She said the letters stopped only when she came home.

It's our little secret and yes, it's your secret now too, dear Readers.

My mother said that she believes that it's true – you never really get over your first love. No matter how old you get. No matter whom you're with. No matter where you are. That person will always have a special place in your heart.

I think this is tolerable. One special place for that one person is doable. I can deal with that.

It must be hard, however, for some people who chose to give their whole heart away and never got it back.