8th Years

It wasn't easy.

It isn't easy.

But somehow we're doing just fine.

I wanted to play with words. And write something impressive, but I don't feel like it.

The truth is marriage is a nitty, gritty business. It takes a lot of hard work, and I supposed it'll be the same for the next 50 years.

But we're doing it. We're committed to

do the work. And that's what matters. 

Love? Oh, love is there. It never left. It just grew stronger and deeper over the years.

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Doing the Right Thing

Doing the right thing… it’s not as easy as one would think. It sucks.  It definitely sucks. Especially when it means losing something that means so much to me…

Giving up something that makes me happy – it’s not easy.  But it is something that I need to do.  It is something that I cannot afford to keep.  I can’t wait for the shit to hit the fan. Before the shit hits, I need to let it go.  But I don’t want to. God, I don’t want to.  I’ve been deprived of the choice though. I can no longer choose. It has been chosen for me.  And I can’t insist…I can’t force.  It would be unfair. It would be hell.

How do you let go of something you look forward to everyday?

How easy is to let go of a thought that has been possessing you?

I wish it is easy.

But it will be easy. One day at a time. I’ll get used to things…

I will not look forward to anything.

I will not think of anything.

I will just live life the way I’ve always lived it – and maybe somehow things will work out the way they should.

I hate the tears. They pour easily. They pour no matter how many times I try to wipe them. I hate them.

I hate you. Somehow that thought slips through every now and then. I hate you. I hate you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Life. It is indomitable puzzle. Why things happen  - I don’t know. I just need to learn how to relive it, like I’ve always lived it 2,246,400 seconds ago.

And I will learn to love, love, love things that I’ve always loved – and learn to forget things I should have never cared for in the first place.

But I love you. I do. I do.

Sucks, huh?

The paradigm of a complicated existence.

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A Rainy Thursday

Apparently, this old woman was lying on those stairs for an hour, being beaten cold by the rain, before Paige and I saw her and called the police for help.

I don't understand how people could look at her and continue on their merry way. The indifference is shocking.  This was last Thursday.

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Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars

"Poison & Wine"

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
You think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will.

I always will

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Turbo Replay

I'm getting old. I used to think I'll never get tired of watching cartoons. Apparently, you tend to lose interest once you have kids. I am so tired of watching the same movie over and over again. I'm not sure how many times the girls have watched this film.

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PMS

It's that time of the month again where EVERYTHING sucks.

I feel sad for no reason.

And I have a godfvkin awful temper.

And everything and everyone irritates me.

My hormones are all over the place.

Shit.

I took it out on my hair. I have bangs! Really short one like a 2-yr-old hacked the damn thing.

Crap.

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The Tooth Fairy

 

Paige lost another teeth.  And yes, we've been doing the whole Tooth Fairy routine.  Maybe someday, Paige will read my blog, so here we go, "Yes, baby, there is no Tooth Fairy. It was all just your crazy mother who has this insane need to create a bubble world for you where everything is sugar and spice, sweet and nice."

Why do I do that? Why?! Why?!

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The One That Got Away

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I am

excited.

nervous.

agitated.

confused.

regretful.

pissed.

frustrated.

pressured.

sad.

hopeful.

prayerful.

determined.

resigned.

fucked up.

Right now, rioting emotions are pulling me from all sides. My heart feels like it’s about to explode.  I know why. Of course, I know why. It’s just too much, so I needed to clear my mind. Thus, I blog.

How have you been?

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Musings of a Mediocre Writer

Sometimes, I still can't believe I get paid for writing. The longer the content, the higher the pay. And to think I just used to give people 25-page letters for nothing! Imagine how much that would have cost them now!

It's amazing actually - to get paid for doing something I love to do, something I 
take for granted like breathing.

And it all started the day I decided to start a journal.

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7 Years Old Now

My Paige is growing up so fast. I scroll through my old blog entries, and I'm amazed at the difference. It's actually quite amazing. She's 7 years old now. She still likes to sleep next to me. I dread the day she'd want to sleep in her own bed, and I know that it won't be that long before that happens.

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Goodnight Moon

I can't figure out which I like best - the original or this unplugged version. Nevertheless, I love this song.

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Ho Hey

I can't stop singing this song. Jesus.



I love it!

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How to Get Rid of the Pacifier

After 3 years, we've had it with Riley's poop-poop (what she calls her pacifiers). We couldn't get her to stop, so we just went cold turkey.

Oh, we didn't mean it to happen like that, but that's what happened. One night, we couldn't find any of her pacifiers, so she spent the whole night without one...and we forgot to get her a new one the next day, so another night went by without a pacifier. We didn't bother to get a new one after the second night. She kept looking for her pacifiers for several days though until she finally stopped looking. I found a couple in my bag - they're still there.

Everytime she asks me to get her a new one, I lie to her face (I'm a horrible mother, I know). I told her, we've looked everywhere but there's no store selling pacifiers anymore. I can practically hear someone chanting in my head, "liar, liar pants on fire".

But that's how we got rid of Riley's pacifiers.

Now, how do we get her to stop drinking milk from the bottle?

P.S.

I intended to write a funny post but I'm using my phone for this and my eyelids are partially closed. So, that's the best I can do. It's pathetic, I know. It's 6 am and I haven't slept yet. I'm supposed to wake up at 9 for work. Why am I doing this to myself? Why?

It's those freakin' Korean soaps - I'm addicted to them once again. It's a vicious, vicious cycle. *sigh*

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Don't Grow Up...Just Yet

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Because I Remember I Write

Sometimes, we remember moments when time seemingly stood still.  We all have that – memories that are so vivid that you could practically feel yourself reliving them over and over again every time you remember.  It’s almost like that movie Groundhog Day.  You live through every little detail, the colors, the sounds, the sights, the scents – and most specially “the feel”.  These are memories that have taken roots so deep they’ve embedded themselves into your very soul.  It’s like for that single second in your life, everything stood still. And a second stretched into eternity – and you took your time to take it all in, every little detail from that single event.  While everything and everyone else was in complete repose, you were the only one alive.

Ironically, we are alone in remembering these moments.  Not often will other people remember them too – even if they were there..even if they were the very essence of that singular life-defining experience. 

Earlier, a memory like this popped up – and like all other memories of equal significance, it made me feel melancholic. Thus, I write about it.  Because yes, that’s what I do. I write.

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In Love with "The Boss"

It started with Dancing in the Dark and then I started devouring Bruce Springsteen's YouTube videos one after another.

Now, I have developed a huge lady music boner for this legend. I am in love with him and his music.

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Some BS About My Hair

I don't know what's with me and long hair... I can't abide the darn thing for long. I usually ignore my hair, have it in a bun on top of my head until I eventually notice it has grown considerably long - and then I start itching to get it cut. The itch gets so intense that the only relief is to hack everything off - and no, I don't just cut a little inch here and there. I really get it hacked.  Yesterday, it was up to my back until I gave in to the itch and voila!

Unlike other people who regret cutting their hair, I never regret cutting mine. I feel so good every time I do it. It's like I get rid of all my emotional garbage whenever I do this. In a way, I am a cutter - fortunately for me, I don't bleed when I cut. :)

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Here We Go Again

Yes, I am going to do this.

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Thy Will Be Done Lord?

I haven't prayed the rosary for a while...blame it on my questions about my religion, but I was feeling unsettled yesterday. I felt like I needed to pray long and hard and leave it all up to a Higher Power to sort everything out for me - and that's what I did. Not only did I pray the rosary but also went on to recite litanies.

Afterwards, I felt a little peaceful. Not because I felt like God would grant my prayer but because I felt like He was in charge. Although there are times when I would question the truth about my faith, I've never questioned His existence - and every now and then, I turn to him.

So first thing this morning, Erbe received 'the' call that we've been waiting for. My first thought was, "Wow God, that was fast!"

He did answer my prayer in a way... I did not ask for it exactly like that though. I just said as I always do, "Thy will be done, Lord."

And maybe this is what He wants. Then why am I so worried? 😔

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The Crush Saga

I thought Paige's crush ended when she learned that her "crush" doesn't like her anymore. I was really happy about that. I rejoiced too soon.

Last Saturday, after her Araw ng Wika, we went to McDonalds because she was invited to a birthday party.  After leaving her inside with their yaya, she suddenly came running outside the door and rushed outside the food joint.  Seeing that she was upset, I asked her what happened and she informed me that Zack looked at her sharply, so she didn't want to attend the party anymore.

She was really upset about the whole thing.  I nagged her a little to still attend the party, but she wouldn't budge, so I dropped it. I forgot about the incident until the other day.

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The Story About the Devil

There are some stories that need to be told and recorded for all time...and I figured, blogging about this one particular story is a sure-fire way to do both.

It's a story about Riley - my little hellion. 

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The World at My Feet

Earlier, Erbe saw an old photo album lying around downstairs. Turned out, it was my graduation photo album. I completely forgot about it. Looking at the photos was like looking at them the first time. So, I thought I'd upload some of my favorites here, so I'll have digital prints of them.

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Weird Sleeping Habits

So yeah, this is how I sleep. I always need to cover the upper portion of my head with a blanket. Pretty weird, huh?

Actually, it all started when I moved out of the room I shared with my sister. After watching a scary movie or show like 6th Sense and Magandang Gabi Bayan November 1 episode, I get freakishly scared that I bury myself under the blanket. 

Unfortunately, this can be incredibly suffocating, so to avoid seeing the ghost, but still be able to breathe, I do this. Weird but effective. Over the years, it just became a sleeping habit.

It doesn't end there. Those who know me is privy to the fact that I can't sleep without my "security blanket".

I'm getting even weirder with age. Shucks.

Anyway, I know this is a completely asinine topic - so, why are you still reading this? 😉

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Goodbye Girl

Tinay shared this video on our Facebook group page. She drew our notice to the comments section with her "Oh the stories shared on the comment section..."  So, I checked out the video and read the comments. The stories are so sad - one lost love after another.

I read through them and felt my heart squeezing every now and then.  One person said, "I always think about him...I don't know why."  Another told her, "The only answer I could give you are soul mates. Time and space know boundary in terms of affection."  So, Tinay, maybe that's an answer to your "why" too.

This song has a special meaning to me as well. It sort of comforted me a long time ago.  I know now that the song might be true for some, but it's probably not true for most.  So, I thought I'd leave my own little story along with the others. And that's what I did.

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In Threes

God, I'm so freaking furious. 

Life shits come in threes, so maybe that was my third.

But I hope good news come in threes as well because we just had one.

Yeah, that doesn't change the fact that I'm furious and that I feel bad.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

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Status Update

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Guess Who... Or What?

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How I Divide My Time

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My Would-Be Tattoo

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Too Freaking Early

Early this evening, I was waiting for my turn in the bank. Paige sat next to me and started writing in a piece of paper. Curious, I took a peek and saw her writing her name and her crush's name, Zach and Paige.

Again, I couldn't just freak out in front of her, so I didn't. But dear God, was I freaking out! Is that normal? I mean I read they have crushes at that age, but to actually doodle a crush's name?! Seriously, it's too early for the birds and the bees talk. So, how do we deal with this? 

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The Husband Joined a Photo Contest

For almost a week, I had to grit my teeth and bear with the huge embarrassment my husband was heaping on me.

So, last week, I woke up early Monday morning and was greeted by my husband's huge grin and his, "I joined our photo in a contest ba!"  It took a second or so for the words "our photo" to register and then I panicked. You see, I hate photo contests. I hate having my photo bandied around anywhere. I hate the spotlight. I hate being stared at. I hate being the center of attention unless I am asking for it.

I have recently set my Twitter account settings to private and my Facebook status is not open to public or to all of my Facebook friends. I know I am not a big deal but I am not at all comfortable dumping my crap on just anyone.  People don't like my crap. I don't like sharing my crap to everyone.  I know it's ironic that I have this blog.  So, why blog, right? I do not invite people to read my crap on this blog. If you are reading this, that's because you choose to read my crap. So, I am not sorry about this at all. But it's not the same with Facebook and Twitter.  Needless to say, I went on a full-blown "What the Eff Have You Done?!" mode when I saw my picture being shared on Facebook. It wasn't even a picture I'd like to post on my account, so I hate the fact that people were sharing it.

If you are from Goa or the Partido area, you've probably come across the darn thing.  All throughout the week, I kept whining and sometimes snarling at Erbe over the whole thing. It was actually sweet that he chose to post our picture because apparently his love for me is his passion. But I am not just comfortable sharing this to the freaking public. I hate couples - even married ones - who would declare their freaking love for one another on social media. I hate that. Nobody really gives a shit, so if you're happy then be happy. We don't really need to know how much you love each other.  Needless to say, the picture didn't just sit well with me.

At one point, my husband posted it on the Naga City Facebook page - and I went on a full-on murder mode. I started screaming bloody murder.  I probably had him removed the link from a couple of pages and groups as well.

Anyway, he probably won the darn thing. He isn't sure yet, but he got the highest number of votes.  His HS classmates helped him out. I helped out at the last hour - yes, the very last hour.  I finally said, "Get over yourself (after a week of snide remarks)" and finally helped out.

So, here's the pic. You can probably see why I didn't want this getting around anywhere. I know I was a bitch. I am not just comfortable, so sue me.

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Suits Opening Credit

I love the opening credits of this show.


God, I love this show.

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That Summer

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Burgundy?!

For the life of me, Mommy woke up this morning and decided to have fun with Nana Viol's hair. She convinced Nana Viol that she'd look fabulous with burgundy-colored hair. What she calls burgundy I call "god-awful red".

But my mother refused to listen. She's pretty devious. That's what she is. She wanted to see how the "burgundy" would look like before she uses the dye on her own hair.

I believe she found out that I was right. The dye job was pretty horrendous as you can see for yourself.

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Chikungunya

Now, imagine this scattered all over your body from head to toe and then combined this with swollen lymph nodes. The pain and itch is incredible. My eyelids are heavy. I'm incredibly sleepy. I am in pain. I am itchy and sleepy. I am miserable. Damn it.

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Wailin' and Teeth Gnashing

I hate this.

God, I hate being sick. I become needy, weepy, whiny and all-round major bitch.

I have all sorts of theories why I am sick, ranging from "my leg is infected inside and its festering beneath the skin" to "I think there was something wrong with the apple I ate earlier - yes, I know it was delicious but maybe there was some sort of virus in it."

I have also pondered on the possibility that I have dengue or maybe I haven't taken a bath yet and I smell like shit, so I am getting sick. This theory was blown to   kingdom come after I took a bath, popped a 500 mg paracetamol in my mouth and ended up staring at a thermometer which said, "Yeah, stupid. You're still sick."

I have also theorized that I need some bow-chika-wow-wow from the man who impregnated me twice, but that's too much info for you right, so I'll give you some time to swallow that little vomit you have in your mouth right now.

I am not thinking straight. I am sick, goddamnit. I don't get sick unless Death has decided to check up on me. He did that for the first 21 years of my life, that impotent son of a bitch. That's his MO when it comes to yours truly. And I think he plans to visit me every decade or so.

Oh well. I should stop this and resume whining and crying. 🔫

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Deluge

This place never fails to bring forth a torrent of bittersweet memories. I spent 8  years of my life here. I built friendships here. I met some of the most amazingly unique people I know in this place - brilliant people who helped me discover things about myself that I didn't know. I became my own person here. I fell in love here - twice in fact! And 'tis here too that I had my heart broken.

It's the same, but not the same every time I step foot in this place.  I can almost imagined seeing myself and my friends clad in that white blouse, tight gray skirt and gray tie which for the life of me, I can never seem to fix just right.  Law years didn't create as much impact; although there were people who did.

The memories can be crushing sometimes that I find myself only too happy to step out of its gates. There's only enough memories I can handle.

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Define Happiness

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More Riley Moments

Me: Riley, hain ka?!?!

Riley: Yaon po ako digdi ki Lita (referring to her Lola Lita)

Riley singing: Ang lubot ni papa perpek. Ang lubot ni papa perpek.

Me: Ba, nadangug mong sabi??

Riley continued: Ang bulay na mabata! Ang bulay na mabata!

Me: Erbe!!!!! Sabi ko na kaya saimo dai ka magparasabing bulay!!!

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Big Foot

I detest, despise, abhor and hate my feet. They're big and ugly, incredibly ugly. I bet they look like Big Foot's feet.  In fact, I think his feet look dainty compared to mine. Yes, dainty!

Big Foot will probably laugh his ass off if he'd see how dainty his feet look next to mine.  His feet will inspire odes and poems. Mine will inspire nightmares. I exaggerate but you get the drift, right?

Ignore the picture, you should see the sheer horror for yourself.

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I Swear

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Her First Crush

I was fixing Riley's hair and wasn't paying attention to Paige.  She was going on and on about something she wanted to tell me.  It was a little bit irritating, truth be told.  Finally, Riley's little tuft of hair was fixed, so I turned to Paige and said, "Okay, now tell me. What is it?"

She smiled and said, "Mama, may crush daw ako kay Zack."

She was smiling sheepishly, shyly...

And I knew then that that was a big moment... a huge one. A freakingly huge one.  I didn't want to screw it up, so I pasted a huge smile on my face.  And I prompted her to tell me more, "Crush ka man ni Zack bi?"

She's 6 years old and she's in second grade!  And I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know how to handle it, but I knew that I SHOULD NOT FREAK OUT. So, I didn't.  I prayed that the smile wouldn't slip from my face.  Inside, however, I was screaming, "OH MY GOD! She's my baby!!!"  But then I thought, "What the heck. It's not like she's telling me she fornicated, was impregnated by some trucker and she's running off to get married. So, I took it all in a stride and dropped down on my knees and proceeded to ask her about Zack. I've always known she has a teeny weeny crush on the boy because she keeps talking about him - all the time.  But I didn't know that she understood what that meant.  Apparently, she does now.  And apparently, that boy has a crush on her too.  Paige proceeded to tell me he tells her he loves her everyday!  So, there goes another litany of "Oh My Gods" in my head.

But I think I handled it properly.  No teasing.  No freaking out.  She was happy.

End of story.

Uh.huh. Not yet.

Later this evening, we were skyping with her papa.  At one point, I said, "Paige, why don't you tell Papa what you told me earlier." 

She didn't want to.  This prompted Erbe's curiosity because he could see our daughter covering my mouth to prevent me from talking.  I was laughing.  Finally, she said, "Sige na daw."

So, I told him what she told me, "Paige told me that she has a crush on Zack."

He didn't understand at first, so I had to repeat the sentence a couple of times.

Silence.

And then he said, "Aaaaay! Bawal ka na dian magrani sa Zack na yan!"

Paige's face fell.

But Erbe was oblivious to it, he continued forbidding her to ever come near "that boy" again.  He threw in a couple of threats to the little boy's health, "Tiukon ko yan Zack na yan!"

It was so freaking funny. I told him that yes, the little boy likes Paige too.  This prompted another bout of forbidding and threats. It was so funny but apparently Paige didn't think so.  Her face was crestfallen.  It was so sad, so I shushed Erbe and told him that he was handling it very, very badly.  He sighed and then said, "haay. ika na lang ba ang bahala."

Freaking hilarious.  You'd think she's 16 and she has a serious relationship.  He even kept saying, "MU pa pati kamo!"

I was laughing like a lunatic.  God.

So, yeah, score 1 for mother.

and a ze-boo-hoo-ro for the father. :D

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Doing Her Little Magic Trick

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I'm Gonna Be

So, I can be such a geek. 

I'd like to think that my taste in music is eclectic but alas, I would be lying. Because I abhor heavy metal. I can deal with rock, but no metal for me please. There was this one point in my life when I forced myself to listen to that crap, but that was when I deluded myself into thinking that I was in-love with an old boyfriend who was in a heavy metal band. He had the long hair and all. Fortunately, for me, the exes after that pretty much had good taste in music. So, I didn't have to listen to anything I didn't like. 

My husband is another matter though. He's old school - and I mean "old" school - Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Matt Monroe - songs that Methuselah enjoyed listening to when he was young. Period. And he doesn't apologize for it. He doesn't really care who Pink or Rihanna is. He knows Beyonce though - it's the booty. You can't miss the Queen B's boo-tay. He's an ass-thigh guy, so yeah. 

But anyway, here's an oldie that the nerd in me loves. Enjoy!

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4:42

The sun is struggling to come out already, but i haven't slept yet. My body clock will have me waking up at 9 a.m. no matter what, and I'd be working with my eyes half closed. Damn those freakin' books. I have finished 5 novels over the weekend. Shit. I'm hooked again. Books are my personal marijuana, ecstasy and cocaine all rolled into one. I should hit the sack now.

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May 24, 2013

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Bookworm

Started reading books again - uh, ebooks to be accurate. I have tons of ebooks waiting to be read and I am not getting any reasonable amount of sleep. 

I am devouring books one after another. It's so exhausting but I've never been happier.  It gets depressing in the end though. I hate it everytime I get to the last page. I hate last pages.

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Sucky Four Days

Life has been phenomenally unpleasant the past four days. It all started with my father having a stroke. That was seriously  scary. He was slurring his r's and I was really scared, imagining all sorts of crazy things.

This was followed by the missing Philhealth receipts and the unreflected Philhealth payments which had me practically screaming at the people at SM's business center. I was accusing the supervisor of "havin' no heart".

This was topped by Riley's yaya taking a really long break without informing us, and Bek-Bek running off with yet another man, leaving the house without a helper. Bek-bek's hobby is men and eloping. It's the second time she has done that. Bek is our house help. We are  freakin' hopeless without one. So, yeah, these past few days suck. Big effin' time. Whoopee. 😡

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Sarong Banggi Cover by Cori :)

Isn't my niece just adorable? My mother hasn't gotten around to teaching her the rest of the song, but you have to admit, she's just awesome - like her aunt. :D

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Thank You Cori.

I came across this video I took of Paige yesterday and I was awestruck by how much she has grown. Time is really passing by so fast. Fairly soon, she'd be all grown up. And she won't be this little girl who cries when she couldn't sleep beside me, holds my hand when she sleeps and tells me how much she loves me every day.  Just now she told me she doesn't want to go to sleep yet because I still have a lot of things to do and she wants to stay awake so she could help me out.  I wish she'd stay that way forever and ever, but someday she will change.  She will be her own person and she won't probably want to hold my hand every night before she sleeps.  *sigh*

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Blackout + Scourging Summer Heat

Summer of 2013.

Because we couldn't take the heat anymore after hours of being cooped up inside the house - bearing with the sweltering heat, the kids and I "chilled" on the rooftop. :)

 

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Excerpts from The Book of Awesome

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Sweet As Whole

Thoroughly enjoyed this song.

I’m a fan of Sara Bareilles and this is the most awesome – and graceful -  way to throw the middle finger.

 

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