I wanted it so bad. It's not often something happens to me that puts my faith to test. I am such in abject misery right now. Scratch that. I'm utterly depressed, almost clinically even. I wanted that badly for my parents. I have disappointed them a lot of times and I wanted them to be proud of me. Right now, I'm not 28. I am not a mother. I am not married. I am once again my parent's little girl who just wanted to please her mommy so much.
I feel such a miserable failure. I've lost all focus and I've lost all directions.
I am so angry. I can't help but curse at my fate and curse at my fate's holder.
All I can keep thinking about is, "What the fuck do you want from me?"
I really tried my best. Nobody truly understands but people's kindness is killing me. It's beyond failing or not failing. It's all about the story behind that. It was my payment. It was supposed to make things better. It was supposed to make up for all that was expected of me.
I supposed it wasn't my time. I supposed I didn't try enough. The bottom line is that I am miserable. I have never been this miserable my entire life.
I am so glad my little sister is coming home next week. She always knew the right thing to say. She is that one person in my life where I knew no matter what -- I screwed up or not -- she'd always be right there. No judgment. I guess, it's a force of habit. We grew up without our mother so we learned to watch out for each other's back. I'd kill for her. She'd do the same for me.
I feel better after all that venting. Now, I'll just go back to moping and cursing and watching old DVDs.