Curls and Beds

I saw an old friend tonight. We had a falling out a couple of years ago. She came over to talk. At that time, I was hoping, she wouldn't because I knew how uncomfortable it would be. But well, she did. Talk about a why-don't-you-just-bury-me-alive moment But in a way, I was glad that she did. After all, 9 years of friendship is not something you can just throw away.

The truth, however, is that I don't think we are still friends or we could still be friends. It's been two years since we last talk, well, except tonight, of course. I doubt though if you could actually describe what we did as talking, it was more like of let's-do-small-talk-for-5-seconds-and-let's-part-ways-or-better-yet-shoot-me-because-this-is-way-too-uncomfortable kind of talking. So, different from how it was before when we'd sleep over and I'd wake up with her watching me. Yeah, it was kind of weird and it always pissed me off.

Anyway, we were great friends. We were like sisters even. I loved her and her fights were my own. I guess, it was just way too hard to hear from someone that a supposedly great friend was backstabbing me. I think she thought I was backstabbing her. Well, there were other issues that I think we could have resolved and talked over if she did not have -- well, never mind.

We started to have problems after she hooked up with her girlfriend. I guess, I really just don't like the person she became afterward. I knew the girlfriend before my friend met her. So, I've heard things and so, yeah......

Also, I was friends with the girl my friend was with before she hooked up with her current girlfriend. So, yeah. That one I really liked. That one was alive, witty, kind and sassy.

Anyway, my friend changed. Sometimes though, I think that the person my friend is now is actually the real person all along. And the person, I loved before and I treated as my sister was not real. She just seemed real to me because she was too scared to show real self. So, she appeared exactly the way she wanted me/us to see her.

On the way home, Erbe said that a long history of friendship should be worth something. I guess, it is. I don't know though how to start rebuilding or if it is even worth the effort. People change. People move on. And sometimes, you just have to let go.

But sometimes, I remember how it was --
and I miss her.
I truly, truly miss her.

But hey, we made our bed, now we have to sleep on it even if it sucks!