3:30 AM

Running thoughts... Read on if you are remotely interested.

•  I miss tweeting and I miss the often inane but deliciously entertaining chats I have with my tweet pals.  But of course, Tinapay, you know why...just why. I wrote you a message about it once. I figured while you were in your vacation that it'd be the perfect time to do what I wrote in my message.  It helped that I was busy.  of course, I wished that I wasn't busy trying to beat the infection that was plaguing Paige, bringing her practically at death's door. That was freaking scary.

• I just finished watching the JLC and Bea Alonzo film, Miss You Like Crazy. One word - BORING. It dragged on and on and on.  I was so effing bored.  I'm glad I did not actually pay 100 bucks for the film.

• I miss Erbe. Lately, I have found myself appreciating my husband more these days.  He is the love of my life.  He is not here though and I am not used to sleeping without him, thus the hour 3:48 a.m. now.

• ♪ dahil ikaw pa rin and sinisigaw ng damdamin...♫ - my last song syndrome

• I still have a lot to say, but my head is pounding. My back is aching as well and with no Erbe to massage away the pain, I just have to deal with this.  The book says its from carrying the growing uterus and sitting on my ass for hours on end.  Personally, I think it's also due to carrying around these never-ending enlarging breasts! Seriously.  I said it once and I say it again - there should be quota to this. I mean, nature should know when these babies can carry enough milk to feed the whole continent of Africa and for god sakes - just stop growing! Damn it.
  

Well, that's it for now.

Read More

Being Cryptic

It comes to that point when I want to cut ties once and for all. After so many years of wanting and getting what I want, it is a bit ironic to find myself on the other side of the fence – and this time NOT wanting any ties at all.

The reason is fairly simple. It does not require an Albert Einstein IQ – I just do not find the need for ties anymore. All the reasons I held on to for years? They’re gone. Poof! All the questions have been answered. And I’ve realized that things are not the same and they can never be the same. 

The reason that fueled the want and need is gone. Sure, there are emotions – real ones – that come to play, but these emotions have no place in the real scheme of things. These emotions are just there to deceive. They are going to be there for the long run, but they are meant to be ignored until God knows when. There is no point continuing something that has no real substance.

Oh sure, it was fun for a while, but playing is not always that fun. It can get tiresome…boring even. It is an emotional investment that will not pay off. It is always in the box…forever in the box. 

Sometimes, there is no point hurting other people over something that is not real. I have to make choices. Toying with emotions and flirting with fate are not really things that I can afford to do especially when a lot are at stake. So, yes, I want to cut ties. I may not do it right now, but I want it.  And I'd probably cut ties sooner than you think. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow.

Read More

Paige's Art

Read More

Santo Beatico

We went to Cabusao for the Santo Beautico last Saturday. It has been a while since I actually went home and stayed overnight. I even brought Tinay with me because we had to meet up with Che and Nette the next day for a little outing. 

Aside from hanging out with Tinapay, the day went horribly wrong. Some of my relatives behave abominably and I was irritated with a couple of cousins. In fact, "irritated" is a tame word for how I felt. I felt murderous. We slept on the floor which sucked. We could have avoided it if Erbe agreed to bring our own bed. I wanted to. No, not the whole thing, just the cushion. And to top it all, Paige got really, really sick. In fact, she was sick for 3 days. Her fever just broke today. 

Anyway, I had fun chatting with Tinay. She was such a trooper. I love her.  She made the whole experience.. well, fun. :)  We giggled over the old biddies shouting at each other at the top of their lungs, "Iyo baga! Dai mo ako bistado??! Ako baga si aki ni Domingong Septimo!" We marveled at seeing a hundred year old lady who could shout as loudly as the rest of the old biddies.  We giggled over my 3 year-old niece who had her hair dyed a mahogany red color.  In fact, we were envious of the highlights.  And she helped me out preparing the sandwiches.

Anyway, here are some of the photos I took from our time there.

Read More

To My Own

Silence speaks

But words could be found

In an unlikely place

Filling my soul

Filling the empty places

Barren for so long

Because you came

And then you came

I found my transient solace

My own sanctuary

Because you came

A temporal existence

A cherished reprieve

That my soul yearns

But would lose

Passing, I know

You said the words

An abysmal gratitude for you being you

For words only you had said

For who I am

For who I was when you came

For I, who I would lose

Because you came

And would leave

For making me cry

Without a reason -

Yet perhaps with

But words fail me

Describing beyond my grasp

A feeling enveloped me

And then I cried

Thoughts of you fills me

Fills my heart enough to make me smile

At night you'd whisper,

Goodnight, my love, goodnight

And I'd close my eyes thankful

Because you said goodnight, not goodbye

I'd cherish you and follow you

Like the silent sparks

The black burnt coals hid

Or like that subdued place

Your soul keeps

I'd follow you

Like the calm path

That the heavens cast

Though I know I dream

And am afraid to wake up

I'd still dream

Like a promise meant to be kept

Like a kiss barely felt

Like a smile barely seen

Like a spring barely shown

Yet I'd dream

I have nothing else to lose

Because by not dreaming,

I'd lose you

So, let me have you

In the only way I know how.

-- To him I have yet to learn how much I love (January 30, 2000)

Read More

A Letter to a Friend

The city was scheduled for a rotating brownout yesterday and I had nothing to do, so I decided to go through old letters and diaries. It was fun - as usual. It was a walk down memory lane - as usual. I found myself giggling over some stuffs. I found myself aghast at times. There were names that were written in codes and I can't remember them anymore. Anyways, I came across this letter that I wrote which apparently I never gave. I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't.  Anyway, I'd like to share a portion of it.

Read More

Dear Kris

You must be missing Mommy.
Since Alma came, she has been busy with her garden. She has converted the vacant lot in front into her own garden. She has even convinced the neighbors to plant to their own herbs and stuffs.

Read More