Random Thoughts at 2:22 AM

I’ve lost my ability to think fast…

In fact, I’ve lost my ability to think at all. I see words and they come rushing to me, like an impending train, perfectly designed to crash.  One word blurs against another and I find myself struggling to understand the excruciating meaning of every sentence, every paragraph.

I’m losing control and I hate it.

I am tethering, struggling to maintain balance. It seems like I am consumed with trying to exact control and trying to find my ground.

It’s my last day of work tomorrow. I hate the idea of not earning a single cent.  I don’t actually know how many buckets of tears I’ve cried over these seemingly simple decisions. To do or not to do.  I am so over my head.

I feel like I’ve lost molecules of my brain.  When did I lose faith in my self? I am scared and I am drowning myself in meaningless pursuits and momentary emotions.

I am trying to make sense of things. It seems like I am dealing with a deluge of  questions and moral dilemma.  I knew of black and white, and I always knew there were shades of grey there somewhere. What I didn’t realize is that gray can be considerably tricky.  Gray can fuck with your head.  But Christ, gray feels good. Gray makes you forget. Gray stares at ennui in the eye and shoots it to kingdom come. But Gray will be the death of me.

Puzzles. Yes, I know. I am talking in riddles. I mean to. How can I make you understand when I don’t even understand myself? Something has taken root in me, but I have yet to identify it. I have not yet named it. It has not revealed itself to me.  However, I know I need to wait for it to stay still and end it. I can’t let it live. I can’t let it grow.  It’s not meant to take deeper root. It will drive me insane. I am not ready to lose to it.

There are questions I need to answer. Supposedly. But I think I’d rather not.   There is no point unearthing what needs to lie still.

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2:11 AM

Here's another selfie. I told you this is going to be a year of selfies.

I am happy.

What do you know? I am! :)

Havin' dinner just now because I failed to eat mine earlier.

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Back on the Hamster Wheel

It is starting all over again.

That stupid nightmare.

I feel like a freaking hamster, running on that wheel, going nowhere, just desperately running and scrambling for dear life!

Like a hamster, hoping it can get off. But no matter how much I run, I keep going back to the same place, ending up in the same place.

I am hoping I could outrun all these fucked up emotions.

I checked once. twice.

Turned it off and on.

Checked again in case it was on silent mode.

I hate that. I hate checking. I hate waiting.

I hate all the freakish emotions.

I should not have started this again.

I was already in a good place. I was happy. I was at peace. My mind was at peace, so was my heart. I knew where I belong. I knew where I should be. I want that. Desperately.

I should just let it go. This is really confusing the hell out of me.

I am going to let this go.

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How Am I?

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Selfie Entry #NotEverEnding

Stressed. Sleepy all the effin' time! I have black circles around my eyes and breakouts. I can feel wrinkles literally appearing on my face.

This is what I have yet to finish for this month.

*sigh*

Why am I doing this again?

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Sleepyhead

For the life of me, I can't get my eyes to open long enough to read. I'm sleepy all the time - and to think, I've downed 5 cups of coffee today! :(

Erbe took this picture of me while I was "just closing my eyes". It took me more than an hour to open them again.

I'm screwed.

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PDA

So funny that a thing that was meant to destroy would do the exact opposite...

Still, I wish it didn't have to come to that...

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Because the Shit Has Hit the Fan

Mcdo at 4 in the morning.

Where do I go now? :(

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2:54 AM

My 4th cup - no, 1st. After all. This is a new day.

It's the 13th of the month.

13th already. 

Time flies so fast and I'm battling with time right now.  I am not there yet - emotionally, mentally, but spiritually? Oh I'm there! God must be so happy with me. He has never seen me this often in Church for the past 6 years.

I still feel like crap.  Recent events still affect me as much as I hope they wouldn't.  I really don't like dealing with an amoral douche.  Turned out that is exactly what I was dealing with.  Seriously! What's a couple of months?!  So freaking weird.  So wrong in so many levels.  And I can't even do anything about it?! I'm stuck and I can't say anything without gutting myself as well. Oh, well.  I made my bed, I should sleep on it. And sleep I'll do now - literally. It's 3 in the morning and I have work tomorrow.

Why the hell are you still reading my blog by the way?!

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01.11.2014

It was a good day. Oh it didn’t start out so well, but I like how it ended.

I was forced by someone to do something that I wasn’t ready to do – that I wasn’t willing to do. Curiously enough, once I’ve accepted that it’s done – it didn’t bother me anymore. It’s like I never cared all along and in fact, I am wondering what the fvck the fuss was all about? But then again, I have years of experience of shutting off emotions.

When I was a kid, I used to cry buckets every time my mother would leave us to go back to Brunei.  My sister was so young then.  She didn’t actually realize what was happening.  This went on for years. Until she finally started crying too. And once she did, I stopped crying. I figured, I needed to be strong for her. My father always left with our mother, so we had no one to turn to – and she had no one to turn to, but me. So, I stopped crying. I just shut off every emotion. It was like I didn’t care. I did this, so I could comfort her. I did this for years until it became easy for me to shut off emotions when I want to. This is why I actually never spent weeks or days crying over exes because of breakups. I just shut off emotions, gave them the major “f-u” in my head and moved on.  Oh, I love all the messy drama of emotions and feelings. I revel in them. I enjoy them. I squeeze everything out of them, but once I decide, enough is enough. Then I just shut the damn emotions off and I.don’t.care.

Just like that.

So, I guess this is what happened. Or maybe I really just didn’t care enough and I was just reveling in emotions that simply weren’t true. I do that sometimes. I enjoy the drama, you see.

Or maybe I was just bored and for a brief moment, I was not.  Don’t you sometimes long for something different to happen, something so new and exciting it carries you along with it like a great tide, something that lets your life blaze and burn so the whole world can see it?

I think that’s what happened, and then the tide went back to sea. And the blaze died down. I actually do not care. I just miss the blaze.  But then again, there’s always the silent comfort brought about by burnt coals. It’s not too hot, but it’s warm enough. It’s silent, strong and enduring.

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One-Eyed Stressed Earthling

Been so stressed!

And unhappy.

But things seem to be working out.

Now, I just have to focus and avoid distractions. I can do this!

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A Good Day

Despite the fact that I'm all cooped up inside this room, I like the fact that I can just look out the window and stare at the blue, blue skies.

It was a good morning.

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New Year Burns

It hurt like hell, but now it's much better.

Yes, it still looks awful but I swear, it's much better.

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01.06.2014

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