for the one who finally learned what is it all about though not quite all..

you were wrong.

i won't have qualms about saying that. You should have anticipated that u'd get hurt..

and u'd be left picking up the pieces, crying ur eyes out (are u?) while willing ur heart to stop hurting..

and i know u know that it was a risk..

but u know what?

if it was a risk worth taking, then it was worth it.

if for a minute u felt that u were happy beyond anything, though it was a fleeting happiness, be damn glad that u were!

Because some people live the rest of their lives not knowing the feeling.

and spending their lives looking for it.

now, i know you're just hurting.

You can't find peace you know no matter how hard you try because it is too soon..

Smiling now would not be that easy

And that hurt that makes u feel like ur heart is being wrenched from your chest?

you would just have to live with that..

Because that is the payment of risking it.

But if what you had was worth it, then it was.

For now, cry your eyes out..

shout your pain when u have too..

it will take time, but the pain will go away..

that i promise..

and you would find yourself smiling easily without too much effort..

and by then you'd be much wiser..

a little bit more stronger..

with a memory of that time when you for a minute were truly happy.

then all you will have to do is wait until He who is meant to be all along finally comes..

by then there will be more tears..

loving, you see, always have tears..

but you won't have to let go.

since this is your pain and no words will suffice..

with not enough hankies..

i will just be here. promise.

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the aftermath

and i was wearing a red dress.. bloody red, in fact.

and i thought i looked okay although erbe was going on about how pretty he thinks i looked! Of course, he'd say that, he has freaking astigmatism! (i wonder if that affects his eyesight as much as his heart does..)

so there i was sitting as u may well pleased..

and i was told i was going to be the commentator of the mass!

and then suddenly i looked bloody horrible in erbe's eyes! he kept saying,
"dapat na ka make up ka!"
"dapat nakapaayos kang buhok!"

hello?! what happened to "you are sooooo pretty baby.."

poor baby!

I couldn't blame him though everybody looked quite ravishing, including my sister who managed to look zeeeeexy despite her pathetic attempts on dieting, but i..

let's just say, i won't be crowned Ms. World soon. :)

the wedding was fabulous though.

poor erbe, he spent the whole wedding counting the money he is going to earn for our wedding.. :)

and mama? she was near to tears because everybody was telling her that i am next!

perhaps..

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i asked for it.

lately, my emotions have been totally screwed up.

the truth about this though is that i have been told that i am screwing it up.

when u love, u want to be love completely..
and u don't want to be told that "if someone had a choice, he'd rather spend the rest of his life with somebody else.."

how do u tell urself not to hurt when the hurt has taken root, so deep that it's not easy to unearthed it?
how do u tell urself to trust that the next words u'd hear is true?
how do u tell urself to stop hurting?

u don't, i guess.

because when u stop hurting, u stop loving.

i guess as long as when u love, u would continually hurt.. i guess love requires courage and the commitment from loving requires that u have the strength to stay and hope though u feel ur heart breaking..

i never thought my heart would break until the other night

when i felt the first piece break away..

the fact is i made myself hurt, i asked for it..

he said it was meant to hurt because i was hurting him.

Still,

is it wise to know the truth from someone else's past? to unearthed worms that have long fed on the waste of the past?

i guess not.

because when u do, u find urself knowing things ud rather not know, but desperately needed to know..
u learn that some dreams were not yours for they were somebody else's first..
u learn that what u might be holding, would rather be held by somebody else..

but why do i keep holding on?

because despite all of this, i love.

completely.

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I..

I want to be able to dance like no one's watching, even if someone was.

I want to run alone through the streets of Paris in the rain wearing a yellow raincoat two sizes too big.

I want to be mentally, emotionally and spiritually independent and self-reliant in every way possible.

I also want to be held and I want it to feel like a pale cool fire upon my skin.

I want to create at least one work in any medium that will outlast me and reach into other souls after my death.

I want the afterlife to be interesting rather than perfect..

I want to never forget that there are far greater and more beautiful things outside the realm of easy answers.

I want you to give a damn. (And I want to be completely beyond caring whether or not anyone else ever gives a damn, but I never will be.)

I want a secret place in a secluded wood that no one knows about where I could crawl into the hollow of a big oak tree and look up at the canopy of the stars and dream.

I want my friends and loved ones to experience everything good that fate, circumstance, and their own souls, can possibly give them.

I want my novel to be already finished and to say everything it has to say in the best way it can.

I want to develop a deeper sense of my heritage.

I want to keep what I've already won and find out what's behind door number three.

I want to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.

I want every world leader to start sleeping with teddy bears every night.

I want to have money, but I don't want to want it.

I want there to always be something that science will never be able to explain.

I want to know what He's thinking.

I want to have my cake, eat it, come back for seconds, and get the recipe from the cook.

I want to look in the mirror and see someone beautiful looking back at me.

I want to resolve every dichotomy in my soul without having to compromise.

I want a continual sense of being one with the Divine Love.

I want the ability to understand everything in every book I will ever read.

I want a better built-in bullshit detector, and the courage to use it.

I want to pass Go, collect two hundred dollars, and get a Get Out Of Jail Free card. And it wouldn't hurt to own all the railroads and build a hotel on Boardwalk.

I want to someday be the "mother" of children that will never doubt for one moment in their lives that they are loved.

I want to know the secrets of the temple.

I want to feel redeemed.

I want to hurt and to fail in every way that will end up making me a stronger and better person.

I want to constantly exceed my own expectations, and at every moment live up to the standards of what I believe.

I want never to be unable to feel humbled and awed at the smallest things in nature, or the greatest works of man.

I want to never take anything important for granted.I want to know what it means to miss New Orleans.

I want to laugh for no reason more often.


I want to stop being afraid.

-NG

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bitches should just die.

it has been 9 months to be exact.

she started her sickness from the very start.

the year has turned, she still can't get it through her screwed-up head that she lost.

Besides there was never a competition to begin with.

What would u do if ur boyfriend's ex still is so hang-up with him?

she harasses u.
she follows u around.
she has u investigated.
she approaches u in the streets to diss u.

ur boyfriend has told her to fuck off, but she just can't get it.

she's probably just too dumb, huh?

Old stupid pathetic bitch.

SCREW YOU BITCH!!!

*sorry i am just so furious.

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the day mama watched the pigs

I would rather that i am still nursing on my mother's breast..

yes, i do.

growing old is tough. i don't know how everyone who is way older than me deals with all the responsibilities that goes along with growing up.. one of those responsibilities is worrying about my mama's health.. it would have been easy, if mama is different.

Two days ago, my mama was just diagnosed with heart enlargement.

(Enough with the "i'm so sorry about that"!)

my mama is a workaholic. No, she does not work in an office from 8 to god knows what hour. she is a stay-in mom.

and she is also a doctor, a nurse, an architect, an accountant, a financer, a repairman, a cook, a washer, and she also occupies every other job u can think of.. yep! that is my mom.

and she loves four things:
1. ME (but of course!)
2. my dad.
3. my sister
4. and the pigs.

Geeze! u'd be amazed bout how much she loves those bloody smelly pigs!

No, we do not have the typical farm.. what we have is a house with a big backyard, where she stuffs, one big (like a cow) mother pig, and 12 noisy smelly little ones, including the youngest and smallest one I named Samson (why? that's another story), and pretty soon, there will be catfishes and chickens to join the collection.

after being diagnosed with heart enlargement, my mom's hobbies still consist of three things:
1. Feeling how her heart is continually enlarging and complaining bout it incessantly.
2. Yet does not stop working.
3. While she watches the pig 24/7, or almost. Really, she just watches the pigs!

And this is one of those days..

Today, she sat there watching this particular pig, who had an accident with the mother pig, and broke its feet. she watches it, so she could protect it and feed it when the 12 pigs battle for the 14 nipples of the mother. How 12 pigs can argue and create such a big ruckus over a nipple when there are two extra nipples available is beyond me!

all the while she was watching, she kept complaining of how sleepy she is and how her heart pains her. Yes, i know what u're thinking, "why didn't she just bloody sleep?!" i said that too..

but u see it's the pigs we're talking of here..i think i have thoroughly expounded on how much she loves them.

finally, the pigs slept..so mama trudgingly went upstairs.. Five minutes later, i peeked on her room, and she was asleep.

Two minutes later, the piglets started squealing.

And she woke up, just like that, ran downstairs again, and off to the backyard..

And started watching the pigs..

Again.

mama loves the pigs.

but I, I am planning 101 ways to skillfully torture the little beasts!

if only mama doesn't love them that much.

*sigh

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happy birthday chody!

And this one is a tribute to my baby..who right now is messing with my hair. hmp! well, this kinda calls for it because it is his birthday.. okay fine, i know, i know it is so lame to write something about ur boyfriend, so i won't go for the icky stuff.. i will just tell u about him, so perhaps, u wouldn't think that all he does is be darn serious and write stuffs about the end of the world or sumthin'..

we've been together for not quite a long time,but for those who have been in relationships which did not last longer than the number of the days of creation, 9 months is kinda okay.. and hey! if he has something to say about it, he'd make sure that my cold feet stays warm and i stick it out..

yesterday, it was his birthday, luckily he has money, so although we haven't been paid in this friggin office, we were still able to go out, although unfortunately i was not able to give him something, except for that card i painstakingly made the previous night, which took me 3 hours, luckily he liked it, or so he said.. i had all sorts of pictures pasted on it and some mushy stuffs written on it, and yeah, he liked it fine, thank u very much!

so we just basically went to the movies, ate, ate, and ate.. and oh, yeah, we reached to that point when we were arguing again over his ex (screw her to kingdom come, hope she rots in hell) who after a month of peace, happened to appear again! why can't she stay in pasacao and feeds herself to the piranhas and sharks! i'd be glad to put some there to devour her! i would be so happy, indeed. i hate her.. well, that is obvious. anwyays, so we were arguing again.. he just can't seem to make peace with my crazy stories, and i get so infuriated when i think of him with her.. in that way..u know what i mean.. :) (he'd hate this when he reads this)

anyways, it ended coz i had to go to class, and later i met with him and his family for some free dinner (c/o his ma) and had some good laughs with his funny pa..

it was fine indeed. although i still feel very, very uncomfortable.. i was able to forget that i was supposed to keep my smile on my face.. one time, i was laughing that the drink spurted out from my mouth.. ugh! talk about major humiliation! lucky for me, his pa was glad that i find his joke funny! whew! so the yuck thing got ignored. at some point, his sister called.. hey! we are okay na.. although i still feel a pinch and i don't feel as good before.. we're okay, coz i write her explaining things and she kinda write back and she was majorly nice.. i don't know though bout his bro who said hi to me when he called, but i was like, "totoo ba yan???" (*raised eyebrows ng napakataas)
anyways, after that, inspite of his pa's insistence na magvideoke, the ma won and we were able to go hom, but without my sister's tostillas.. we weren't able to buy one..although i still have the money..sorry sis.

anyways, that is how my baba's birthday went.. for a guy who is as sweet and gentle as the pope.. u should have had a more memorable one..too bad u have me for a gf so all u got is some bitching over ur mukhang tilapiang ex na kulubot ang lubot! hehehe..
happy birthday ba..

hoy bes!! greet mo si erbe!

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my blahs..

what do u do when ur boyfriend's sis and bro does not like u?
hmmm.. scream, " Oh! who bloody cares?!" nah.. the bf would go into an apoplexy if u do..

what about crying ur bloody eyes out and then break up with the bf? hey! i did that! geeze.. was i pathetic or was i pathetic?

she doesn't like me, and she hasn't met me yet.
he doesn't like me, and he barely even talked to me when we met.
no justice.
and i am a law student.
tsk. tsk. tsk. oh! the irony of it all!
*sigh..

the funny thing about this is that i generally do not give a damn about people's opinion. but then when it is the opinion of someone whose opinion matters to the person who means the world to u..it is not so easy to shrug ur shoulders, huh?

hey, bessie.. this is like the latest.. what'd u think? i know...ud say im like the greatest there is.. u aren't helpin' at all, ur like my bestfriend! i could be a bitch, and ud understand! :)

so how the xmas? the new year? penniless dahlin! all penisless! oops! just kiddin! (ba, musangot ka na naman!!!)

last xmas, i get to hangout with my friend from the land of the free (that's the US rytie?)
anyways, i generally regard myself as a cynic, but damn did she define the word!
tin and meilen, the friend from bush' land, are the complete opposite.. if tin is north? well, meilen has fallen off the globe! hehehe.. what's her motto about men? "Treat 'em good and they'd treat u bad. Treat 'em like shit, and they'd worship u"

hey members of the human race with the dangling thingie! any comment? violent reactions? this is her opinion, and kinda mine as well (sorry baby, this does not apply to you) so sue me!

anyways, thats is how she is.. and she has a baby and living with her boyfriend, and she doesn't want to get married.. is she sorry? na-uh! she just doesn't give a shit bout what u 'ol think bout her, she is just living her life. thank u.

well, i guess i will live it at this note. is somebody reading this 'syds my bestfriend?? geeze!

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