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Sep 18, 2014
Pluviophile
4:27 amIt's raining really hard.I opened up the window to greet the rain and fallen leaves came blowing in.I don't know why that makes me happy.I don't know why rain makes me happy.But it does.I found a word to describe me - a pluviophile.Pluviophile. (n) a lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days.Apparently, there are a lot of people like me out there.Well, isn't that nice?...
Sep 8, 2014
Jul 10, 2014
Going Through Hell
I'm so pissed at everything right now. I'm so stressed out and with so many things stressing me out - I don't know what's causing the crying bouts. God, my eyes are so freaking clean from all the crying I've been doing.I feel -Angry.Seriously pissed.Irritated.Resigned.Worried.Scared.Angry.Mostly angry.Afraid.Tired.Exhausted.Worn out.Confused.Afraid.Consumed.Sad.Depressed.I'm not okay. I hate going through this he...
Jul 6, 2014
I Just Want to Rant
Jesus H. Christ! My stress levels have reached their all time high. I just want to scream and scream and never stop screaming.This is hell. This is pure unadulterated fucking hell. I can't wait for all this to be over but then the waiting starts... I don't what's worse - this or that.At least I'll have work and money while waiting. The absence of income and this feeling of financial impotence are stressing me out much more than the nonstop studying. I feel like I'm about to explode. Just bloody explode. God. I am just so fucking tired of ...
May 5, 2014
Just Let Go
At some point, you have to let go. You have to stop. These words have become my mantra. Ironically, I can’t seem to just let go. It’s emotionally exhausting and mentally draining. I really should just let go. This thing is weighing me down. It has taken over my conscious thoughts. Why can’t I just let this go? It’s taking too much. It’s like this greedy insatiable monster that devours happiness and peace of mind. And I feed it incessantly. I have to just let go. It’s easy. I just need to start. And for the nth time, that is what I am...
May 2, 2014
I Need to Blog Coz Life Sucks
Erbe found him lying on the floor because he was so weak, he collapsed on the floor. He didnt have the strength to get up or cry for help. I've been wondering why I feel so sad. I've gotten so used to worrying that it has become a part of me. And then it hit me, I started hoping he'd get better when I saw him up and about the last few days. I really thought he'd get better and then the fever appeared again. And then Erbe saw him lying there this morning. And here I am a mess again. I can't even study. I hate this.We've been told to just accept...
Apr 4, 2014
Mar 21, 2014
When Love Comes Knocking
Judith McNaught was wrong.
If I only knew how wrong she was, I would have stopped reading her books before I met Love.
Maybe then I would have really known what not to expect
And to see Love as he really was the first time I met him.
Love did not have large muscles, long flowing black hair and a Scottish accent.
What Love had was a curly hair, wide mouth, large ears, small eyes and teeth gaps.
Those romance books and their cursed authors – they...
Mar 12, 2014
Finally, I Write
It’s the 9th day. He has been in the hospital for 9 days now – and still, he’s not getting better. Hematuria is gone. That’s one good thing at least, but the fever, it comes and goes. For a few hours or so, we’d be hopeful that he won’t have a fever again and we’d be able to go home and then the chills will start and his temperature will start climbing. We’ve been through several doctors now. Completed all kinds of laboratory exams, some repeated...
Mar 3, 2014
Feb 21, 2014
A Letter to My Heartbroken Friend
Let me start by saying I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the other day. You have been putting up such a good front that I tend to forget the truth sometimes. I thought of forwarding another quotation, something that could provide you a little comfort, but I thought, what the hell, I should just write you a letter, something that you can read when you need a little love…a little comfort. Love sucks. Let just get that out of the way because right now, that’s the truth. Raw love can blindside you and it’s not so easy to turn off. The raw...
Feb 15, 2014
Jan 24, 2014
Random Thoughts at 2:22 AM
I’ve lost my ability to think fast… In fact, I’ve lost my ability to think at all. I see words and they come rushing to me, like an impending train, perfectly designed to crash. One word blurs against another and I find myself struggling to understand the excruciating meaning of every sentence, every paragraph. I’m losing control and I hate it. I am tethering, struggling to maintain balance. It seems like I am consumed with trying to exact control and trying to find my ground. It’s my last day of work tomorrow. I hate the idea of not earning...
Jan 22, 2014
Jan 18, 2014
Back on the Hamster Wheel
It is starting all over again. That stupid nightmare. I feel like a freaking hamster, running on that wheel, going nowhere, just desperately running and scrambling for dear life! Like a hamster, hoping it can get off. But no matter how much I run, I keep going back to the same place, ending up in the same place. I am hoping I could outrun all these fucked up emotions. I checked once. twice. Turned it off and on. Checked again in case it was on silent...
Jan 15, 2014
Selfie Entry #NotEverEnding
Stressed. Sleepy all the effin' time! I have black circles around my eyes and breakouts. I can feel wrinkles literally appearing on my face.
This is what I have yet to finish for this month.
*sigh*
Why am I doing this again?
...
Jan 13, 2014
Sleepyhead
For the life of me, I can't get my eyes to open long enough to read. I'm sleepy all the time - and to think, I've downed 5 cups of coffee today! :(
Erbe took this picture of me while I was "just closing my eyes". It took me more than an hour to open them again.
I'm screwed.
...
2:54 AM
My 4th cup - no, 1st. After all. This is a new day.It's the 13th of the month.13th already. Time flies so fast and I'm battling with time right now. I am not there yet - emotionally, mentally, but spiritually? Oh I'm there! God must be so happy with me. He has never seen me this often in Church for the past 6 years.I still feel like crap. Recent events still affect me as much as I hope they wouldn't. I really don't...
Jan 12, 2014
01.11.2014
It was a good day. Oh it didn’t start out so well, but I like how it ended. I was forced by someone to do something that I wasn’t ready to do – that I wasn’t willing to do. Curiously enough, once I’ve accepted that it’s done – it didn’t bother me anymore. It’s like I never cared all along and in fact, I am wondering what the fvck the fuss was all about? But then again, I have years of experience of shutting off emotions. When I was a kid, I used to cry buckets every time my mother would leave us to go back to Brunei. My sister was so young...
Jan 10, 2014
One-Eyed Stressed Earthling
Been so stressed!And unhappy.But things seem to be working out.Now, I just have to focus and avoid distractions. I can do th...
Jan 7, 2014
A Good Day
Despite the fact that I'm all cooped up inside this room, I like the fact that I can just look out the window and stare at the blue, blue skies.It was a good morni...
New Year Burns
It hurt like hell, but now it's much better.Yes, it still looks awful but I swear, it's much bett...
Jan 6, 2014
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